Finding Christmas

I had a great appointment with my PDoc on Tuesday and it was an amazing visit. I always leave feeling either confused or deep in thought. Things in life are going well right now, maybe a little too much of a jump. My activity level, like many others, is attached to my mood. The difference with me is that my BPD, make my good mood more of a high although, not to the point of being bipolar. All of these terms; each one altering the lives of others. I would almost go so far as to say everyone in one way or another.

Anyway, I was talking about my writing (now have one  novel and two picture books self published. I am almost done an e-copy of the novel, and two more picture books.) Plus, my second novel that I hope to have professionally published.I am actually finishing projects that I've started. I'm trying to step out of the self sabotage stage. Rejection isn't failure and failure isn't the end.

I've also gotten a lot of handmade Christmas Cards done and sold. Plus I've made great Christmas ornaments. I've even started to do some minor PR work again, not necessarily a path I would have chosen.

I'm sure that I could add more, but I have already rambled too much.

I realized that I've been doing a lot of this to avoid the holiday season. I've mentioned before that I've never been big on Christmas. I'm not totally sure why. Bad family memories perhaps? I know that I often felt picked on when it came to my gift choices. I also got the feeling that I was supposed to feel something amazing that I just couldn't.

I mentioned that I hadn't decorated yet, even the tree was up but bare. She asked my why I needed to decorate. All I could think to answer was, "because everyone else does; it's just what people are expected to do". Not once did I mention because I wanted to. Not even my boys seemed interested this year. There is no Christmas spirit in our house. Hubby is worried about the money; Doodles is worried that he won't get his three gifts (I never though I would raise such a spoiled child), and Magoo is Magoo. Winter is never a good time for him. It doesn't help that Doodles is at the age where he can't be bothered with Magoo.

So I left thinking about all the things I didn't want to do, the things that I think Christmas is missing. What I wasn't thinking about was how I got to this place.

I mentioned to a few friends that I wasn't going to decorate beyond my holiday village, and they all looked at me crazy. The questions of why wouldn't you started. I of course felt the need to justify my decisions. However, the only person who needs to be convinced is me. The more I found myself talking, the more I thought that maybe I was trying to convince myself.

After talking with my Kindred Spirit about the decorations and holidays, I realized that I saw the tree as a sign of commercialism and not of Christmas. I also figured out that Christmas won't just come to be, I have to find it - create it.

Letting go of previous holiday season memories, I decided to be present in the moment. Truly do only one thing at a time and be aware of it. I went home and decorated the tree. I had the hot chocolate and the Christmas music. I fought with the lights and the garland, but knew that it would all be worth it. I took my time taking out the ornaments, one at a time and really studied it. Was it something I wanted on my tree and where did I want it. As I decorated, and I was actually enjoying it, Magoo came upstairs.

He came over to the box of decorations and started to decorate with the ones from his tin. He smiled and laughed,  told me not to forget about the back of the tree, and to try and put only one per branch. When it was done, I asked Hubby if he wanted to put on the star. He did it. Part of me wants to believe it was because he wanted to and not because I asked him to. The other part of me wondered why it even mattered. Making me happy made him happy.

I left out Doodles box and a few of my ornaments. I told him that if he wants he can add them to the tree, while I finish with mine. Of course he did not. Instead of letting it get to me; I shrugged it off. That was his choice. He would have to find Christmas for himself.