Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Resentment

I had a talk with my biomother on the weekend, and it got me thinking, which isn't always a good thing. You see my mind tends to go straight to the negative.

This year has been a bad year for me and as a result for Hubby and I. I suppose also the boys. There were a number of factors that played into me slipping a little bit, but thankfully I am on the rise.

One of the topics was the difficulties that Hubby and I were having. She thought that maybe Hubby doesn't appreciate the help (financial) that I get from my mommy. I totally disagree. I get the Starbucks cards because I watch their place(s) if they aren't around. Plus, Hubby knows how important my mornings at SB are.

The next two points hit my guilt button hard because they are brought up questions that I constantly ask myself. What did he think about the fact that I stayed home and didn't cook dinner or have a lot of the house cleaning done? The best response to that is of course his. I don't know what he feels. Of course, I know that he doesn't always like coming home to cook dinner after a long day at work, so I have been trying to have it ready minimum once a week. The problem is that I have a bad cooking phobia, and yes it is a real thing. Add to that the fact that I really am a bad cook, and dinner time becomes more of a stressful situation than it should be. When it comes to the cleaning, I do what I can. The problem is that I can't carry the laundry up and down the two flights of stairs, without being in major pain for the rest of the day. I can do light sweeping, but I can't vacuum. I have started making a habit out of whipping down the counters and getting some dusting done on a daily basis. It is currently about making these small changes habitual.

The next point of discussion was of course the fact that he works, and I spend the money. What you need to know, is that I am not a huge spender. I don't go out and buy a bunch of clothes, make-up, or shoes. I am not into spas. I do have to watch my craft supply spending slightly, but even then, we aren't even talking about $100 a month.

Heck, I'd resent me. Anyway last night I asked him if he resented me. His reply was of course no. I asked him why. He said, "I chose to love you for who you are."

I almost cried. He chooses to love me. No one is forcing him too. All the times that I worry I am not enough for him or that he deserves better, and he loves me for who I am. I guess sometimes I forget that he does understand my depression and physical pain. Of course there will be times when it annoys him or bothers him, but what I need to remember is that he is human too.

1 comment:

Juju Loan said...

What a touching, sweet story. While we don't choose our family (parents, siblings, children) we *do* choose who we love; and he chooses YOU. Now you need to continue to choose to love you, then you'll really have the best of both worlds!