Friday, September 21, 2012

This is my blog

(Small starting note, because I fear people took my post the wrong way - again. I reread my post from the other day and realize that it had somewhat of a whinny tone. That was not my intention. My sister and I got a long when I was younger (for the most part, all siblings argue). Nor was I trying to imply that I played no role in her not speaking to me.)

I would like to remind my readers that what I write hear is how I see things. They are my perceptions and sometimes my truth - but that might not make the real to someone else. I don't blog for sympathy. I don't blog for approval. I don't blog for support. I blog so that maybe someone out there knows that they are not alone. I blog to help people understand what it is like to suffer from a mental illness. I blog because it helps me organize my thought and it uses less paper than a diary.

I tend to blog more about my struggles than my successes; maybe I need to do more of that. It would help to portray a better representation of what life is like. It might even help to reduce some of the stigma around mental illness. However, it seems like the harder aspects of life are the easiest to write about. I also think most people would find my success lame. Sometimes it is so small, like making it through a day without a nap or even getting out the door in the morning. It is sometimes things people take for granted, like getting dressed.

These thoughts are not always there. I share them because they are part of a journey. They often help to explain why I react the way I do. I take full responsibility for my choices and my actions. I am after all an adult.

I find that sometimes it is all too easy to blame the BPD, but reality is that even in those whirlwind moments when I see disconnecting from reality, it is still my choices and my actions that lead to whatever outcome awaits. The BPD offers and explanation and not an excuse.

What I find hard sometimes is separating my from everyday reactions. I am always questioning if my reaction is called for or if it not. Is the situation what I perceive it to be, or am I overacting or creating something that isn't really there? There is a continual screening dialogue in my mind. It can be exhausting. However, it is also what helps me to manage life.

Changing thought patterns and behaviours is a big part of life for anyone - illnesses or not. I think sometimes I am just harder on myself.

I see life as falling and picking yourself up. Learning from mistakes and moving forward. I think that if we forget, we risk repeating behaviours or ending up in the same situations. I think if we forgive, we are able to move forward. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with the person, but it does mean having a level or respect and a degree of empathy.

We also need to forgive ourselves sometimes. I think this is where I often get stuck. I am such a people pleaser and perfectionist that I don't allow room for mistakes. I also take everything so personally and feel the pain of others so heavily.

1 comment:

Christina Miller said...

I find I also always focus on the problems in my life, but in all fairness having bipolar disorder gives a lengthy list of problems. I am lucky in that I'm actually having some success right now, but I think I do need to spend more time just enjoying that things are going well. I think I need to do that more.

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