Sunday, May 09, 2010

Coming or Going

It's odd because normally when my depression hits I want to write, I need to write. This time, however, I seem to be at a lose for words. They all play out in my mind, but I go blank when it comes to write them down. I know that I am not in a good space right now. I will be looking for a counselor again. As my FIL fights his cancer, I battle the demons in my mind...BPD is sneaking its way into my life. I can hear it and feel it. I am so tired and I have no idea how to deal with everything that is going on. I'm falling-fast. My Hubby needs me to be a rock and I start to fall apart; typical me.

I know that I am being selfish and that my thoughts are misplaced, but the energy to shut them up is impossible. I don't want to shut Hubby out, but at the same time I don't want him to see how evil and selfish my thoughts are. I know that they are wrong and I need to sort them out before we have a truly in depth conversation. In the same token he isn't used to me being quite. I try to explain and everything comes out wrong or he tries to interrupt me when I just need him to listen. I start by telling him that I am being irrational and I know, but he's asked me to explain my world and I will try if he just listens. It of course always back fires. Too many tears lately. Tears alone can be draining. For the first time in years I've wondered what it would be like to just run...escape everything...Hubby and kids included. I think I feel alone and I fear my own thoughts. In some strange way running seems safer than staying.

BPD - fear of rejection and abandonment - two issues that are huge for me right now. I think issues that are huge for anyone dealing with death, but harder someone who struggles with them on a daily basis. I tried to stand-up for my Hubby and what he thought he wanted. In the end it led to me being the scapegoat. I was left to hang and dry. I was in my mind rejected and abandoned. Add to that the fact that Hubby has shut me out even more, who knew that was possible, and it gets worse. Small things that people are saying and my mind twists and turns them into all types of monsters. I need to push them aside and be there for my Hubby. I need to be strong for him. I just wish that it wasn't such a battle. I guess that he must struggle with his own battles daily as he puts up with me and my zany ideas.

The fight for my FIL and the battle for me will only continue to get worse, but perhaps good thing will still emerge. This week was one small example: Hubby had his brother and sister here; together for the first time in almost 10 years.

31 comments:

Jenna Coaster said...

I'm sorry you're going through so much and trying to be there for your husband at the same time. I also struggle with the guilt of being sick when someone with non-mental health problems needs me. I think we need to realize that our suffering is real and it can't be turned on and off like a light switch. Just do the best you can.

Gardenia said...

Ah, my dear, for some reason I came to your post today. I don't know what to tell you, other than you are so valuable and it is ok to be who you are, sometimes the liabilities we carry with us are kit and caboodle to who we are - such as your husband's cancer, and that has to be and should be embraced and loved maybe even more than the parts of us that we like the most. The wounded parts of us as well as the strong parts deserve our love. Sometimes we are the only ones who will give ourselves love, so we must. And do not be upset with yourself for not being able to carry your battle and his as well. Are there any reinforcements for the battle available to you? So you don't have to be the "be all" for both of you? You need a person to talk to, an understanding friend or family member, or lacking that, a good counselor. This is a huge thing to be going through - the cancer of a loved one, let alone your struggle.

I pray warriors will come along side you to support you.

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nohatna said...

I hope you get better. I totally agree with you about when depression hits you want to write but cant find the words. It happens a lot.

Megan Dewey Clark said...

I feel similarly with my husband. I just lost my job and we decided that we can't rely on me for any source of income because I can't hold down a job. So he needs me to be strong and expects me to get all this stuff done around the house and I want to say... you know... I can't hold down a job so don't expect me to uphold a house hold to your standard... I am trying to get us to move in my parent's basement so I don't have to worry about him trying to make up an extra 1000 a month so we can maintian our home with our 20K of debt...I can't expect that of him but he refuses to abandon all that we have done at this house and it is frustrating... I want to start over and he wants to hold on as long as possible.... I have to support him or our marriage will go out the window... even though we have conflicting views... and it is hard. I was hoping since I am following your blog that you would follow mine. It is called a beautiful mind and it is my bipolar story.
www.megandeweyclark.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I have read blogg.
Are you sure you have a mental problem. In my opinion, you should go on a holiday alone, and get out of your current enviroment. Do things that stops you thinking about home.
At the end of the holiday before you come back, review yourself. Were you able to cope with your low esteem? Does the world appear a happier place? Is your problem, not your problem! ie The enviroment, or family? If that is the case, in my opinion leave the baggage behind, and start a new life, where no-one knows your background, and start afresh.

You have 1 life - enjoy it.
There are lots of mental people about. Look at George Bush, however he isn't in a mental hospital.

People manipulate others, including government, and public services. Enviroment especially stress, can make people act strangely. However if one had known the mental anguish that a person had sustained, then we would understand.

Unfortunately, this isn't possible. So in the worst cases can do bad things.

I will give you an example. I applied to the security services,at lambeth opposite vauxhall and for 11 years was, mentally put under stress, and tortured by people being bad, until I was physically ill. The unemployment service, placed me in a cleaning company, who ran me round until I passed out. The next morning I had approx 10 members of my local mental health and the police. Because foreign people, and civil libertys groups had seen my circumstances. The government attempted to say I was insane, eventhough I have lists of the nasty people and recordings of them torturing me, and letters from Mi5.

So you see life isn't that bad, there is always someone worse than yourself. And unfortunately I'm sane.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, you sound like you are in need of some support. I hope that because you haven't been blogging for a while that you are not bogged deep down in illness? Try not to feel that you need to support your hubby as he should really know you well enough to understand you and support you, and if anything you don't need that stress on you at the moment. I know that sounds selfish to you as you are a selfless person, however if you are not able to remain intact then who will be there for everyone else otherwise? You need to get yourself better before you can help everyone else. Just a thought if you need to let off some stuff you could join this site which does a forum and people talk about their experiences too. http://www.sussexvoice.org.uk/forums/content.php
I don't know how this can help you, but its worth a try?

Yvonne Van Damme said...

I can relate to your struggle with death. I suffer from Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've dealt with death in the past and it's been really tough.

Free Your Mind said...

Hi there. Sorry to hear you are going through so much. I also suffer from BPD and have had to deal with a lot going on with friends and family as well as with myself. And in no way is it selfish to think of yourself before others when they need you because at the end of the day, to help someone close to you you have to be at your best.

I have explored this issue in my own blog if you're interested in a nosey.

Anyway. I hope your feeling better soon.
Nicola Edwards (from Free Your Mind)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog and I must say I am very impressed.I admire your honesty. I believe you have much more strength than you actually think you have, and your story is very inspiring. I would like to keep up to date with your blog, but I'll be onto something else tomorrow... that's the way my head swirls.. I hope you find some kinda peace soon.

regards

PG

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I hope for the best.

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John Mitchel said...

It was so interesting post to read Thank you.
It is very sad to hear that, I dont even know what to say and should I say something at all.
I just would like to with you the best from the best because you REALLY deserve it.
KING REGARDS.

Jelly said...

Thank you very much for the nice post.
Keep sharing.

John Mitchell said...

Thank you for the interesting post.
Keep sharing.

Aaron Lederer said...

I believe people need to know how they can help their children for change their behaviors and also minimize the negligence towards the children. We Can definitely help all those people whose children are suffering from Behavior Disorder.

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kevin blumer said...

fear of rejection in BPD is allways big it never does seem to go away when i was in a relationship i had to fight everyday with my head that i was going to be left in the end i was left now was my head right all that time or should i maybe of tryed to enjoy the time instead

The Rapid Cycler said...

Hello, I found your blog from a google search. From what I've read your pretty brave to face your challenges head on. Great for you! Keep on, Keep'n on lady!

feeling-brave-again said...

Hi I am sorry that you have so much going on and so much difficulty. I am hoping you will come back to your blog and tell us how you are doing soon!
It is worrying to have not had a post in this long. :(
Hope you are ok

John Oodatjanee said...

I was in love with a girl who had Bipolar. Her name was Katarina Ducrozet and we were very much in love. I would care for her when she was depressed and I actually rescued her twice when she tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, her disease got the better of her and I realised that despite our love, there was nothing I could do for her. We lost contact when I moved back to Nigeria. I will always love her and she will always love me.
John Oodatjanee.

hypnosis types said...

It's so sad to hear that you're going through a lot these days. Try to relax and calm your mind. There are various techniques to do so.

I hope my advice will at least help you feel better.

Karen said...

just started a new blog and I was doing a random search of blogs when I found yours. I just want to say I absolutely identify with this post. A year ago, my husband's best friend (so close they considered each other brothers) was killed by a drunk driver. I really tried so hard to be strong for him. At the time, I had just started seeing a therapist for depression and an anxiety disorder, so I was having a rough time. One night, when he was really upset and went to bed, I was so torn up inside, feeling that I couldn't do what he needed from me, and feeling hopeless and as though I failed him. I wanted so badly to take his pain away it was driving me crazy. I ended up bawling, getting drunk and walking to the beach. He called, worried, and picked me up. He told me that I didn't need to fix it or take away the pain, but just to be near him was enough. I don't know if there's a lesson or anything in there, or that I have any advice on your situation. But just keep trying, I guess. I appreciate how honest you are, and just wanted to let you know I know what you're going through.

Mike Winicki said...

One thing to consider when it comes to anxiety and depression is the potential for a candida yeast problem.

In a nutshell, candida yeast is a fungus that grows within our intestinal tract and is with us as long as we're alive. The trouble begins when there's too much of it.

It then has the ability to contribute to some very nasty issues like oral thrush and vaginal yeast infections.

However there are many that believe candida yeast can also affect our emotional state. Jenny McCarthy wrote a book on her son's battle with autism and how she believed candida yeast influenced that. The point being if it can affect brain function like in autism then why can't it affect our moods?

Anonymous said...

learning to live with yourself and the realization that you can't always change things. You have to accept and sometimes embrace them for what they are. I hope you will solve this thing. Hoping to hear from you soon. Good luck!

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Dyana said...

I was led here through curiosity mostly. Now I'm just floored and empathetic. There are things with you that I've seen, closely, and I've been driven by a need for understanding ever since I gained insight into your world.

__________ said...

i often feel the need to write and have also created a blog as a productive outlet for my struggle with mental illness. i can relate to my thoughts and words playing out perfectly in my mind and then as i begin to write or speak they escape me. people often become frustrated with me due to my lack of capability to express myself in a manner to where they can understand. i love your honesty and encourage you to go to counseling as that has helped me learn how to communicate and accomplish success in many of my relationships. hang in there. there are people struggling with you even though you don't know them.