Settling into Fog

I've always been somewhat of a dreamer - in fact I used to have tons of imaginary friends and lived in various world. It was just something that I did. It was my creative imagination, as I was always told. I've always wanted to use that creative energy to write a novel and children's books, which I've done, and I'm thinking that maybe now I should take it to the next level and actually try to get them published.

I was also one of these people who thought that I had my life planned out. I knew what I was going to do and where I wanted to be in life. I wasn't going to get married or have kids until I was older and settled into a career.

The thing is that somewhere between all this dreaming and planning live actually happened. For the most part I went along with it - had my masks and attitudes hanging and pressed ready to go for whatever occasion was thrown at me. I played my cards well and life seemed to line up for me, albeit slightly off course from the great plan. Looking back though, I'm not sure how much fun that plan would have be or if I was ever really on course to follow it anyway. I think part of it was other people's dreams, things that I taught were expected of me. I also believe that there was a plan out there that took me on this course in life. It is the one that I need to be on to learn the lessons and teach what I need to.

The problem is that I think I did a lot of things for the wrong reasons. I go married young because I loved the idea of the wedding, of getting out of the house and having someone to always love me. I knew that with a husband I'd never be alone. Ironically, those first few years together I couldn't have felt more lost or alone. I'd never lived away from home. I didn't know what I wanted to become in life and while my friends were out picking up boys in the bar or out partying, Hubby and I were trying to make things work. Almost 15 years we've been together and whatever the reasons for the marriage, I am so glad that I didn't run away (and believe those couple of weeks leading up to the wedding the thought crossed my mind). I love my Hubby so much for the wonderful guy that he is, for the way he smiles, the way he cuddles me, the way he laughs and just the way I feel when I am around him. I like that he pushes me and challenges me - I need that.

I had my first son, because I wanted somebody who had to love me. I was lonely and so many people that I was in college with had kids or were pregnant. I miscarried twice while trying to have Doodles, once just after the four month mark. It was so difficult, but it made me that much more determined. I wasn't prepared for the postpartum that followed. I can't imagine going through that without support.

I could go on and on and find moments that are similar to these, moments were I was selfish or where I just wanted things to work out so badly that I jumped in blind, but where would that get me? I certainly wouldn't be any further ahead.

What I try to find are the missing moments. The moments where I was playing a role or even worse, the moments where I was the observer. Worse yet, the moments that I let pass me by. I almost created a few more of those moments this past week. I haven't been feeling well physically - my numbness was bad, I had pain on my right side, ever touch felt like a hammer being pounded against my skin and my chest felt like it was being ripped apart. The physical pain and the mental pain are certainly very connected, and for that reason I have been somewhat withdrawn and isolated. I find myself not only needing extra sleep but also craving it. I also wanted alone time. I was watching the family laugh and do things and I almost felt like I wasn't even present in the room. I felt so far removed from what was happening around me. Stuck in a fog of nothingness, held back by strong winds. I've been there before and it never leads to anything good. In fact, it is often the calm before the storm. I pray that I am wrong.

I was asked to play a game with the boys and "no" was the first response. I just wanted to sit and read. As Hubby and Magoo set up the game, I could see the longing in my son's eyes for me to play and the look of perhaps sympathy or concern in Hubby's. It was at that moment that I said 'no' to myself. I was not going to let another moment pass me by.

These are the moments that I need to be proud of and that I need to hold onto if ever the mist starts to rise and settling into fog.