Decade of Growth and Set Backs

Wow, 2010! Another decade has arrived. Like many people do I find myself looking at the past year, and the past 10 years. I'm always amazed at what events stand out in my mind. My truths and my perceptions of events. Memories are funny that way - a single event experienced by many can be read in so many different ways, and there is no one or right - it is based on how we process the information and store it.

In the past 10 years I have lived in three houses. Each move was a way for me to start over and somehow re-create myself. This is actually really silly, since each move still kept me in the same neighbourhood where I grew up. However, each one provide me with a new environment and a chance to mark a turning point in life. The house we lived in at the start of 2000, was our first true family home. We welcomed Magoo into that home. It was a place of innocence for them and a place of isolation for me. We were in a neighbourhood that was relatively void of young families and when we first moved we shared the one car. It wasn't always the easiest getting out with two small children. It was also a place of darkness. I was at a very dark place - the pressure of a young family, losing my first "real" job, graduating from college, finding a job and still working out what it meant to be married. It was so hard to play all the roles I felt that I was expected to play. It was even harder to love others the way they deserved when I barely understood what love meant and I certainly didn't love myself.

The next house marked a sort of moving up in the world. It was a new home and in a young neighbourhood. It was easy to fit right in and meet people. For me it was a sign of success that we had made it. It was a way for me to show others that even though we were young, we knew what we were doing, we beat the odds. I think for Hubby, it was also a sign of success and better things to come. He took great pride in finishing the basement. We were able to purchase a new vehicle and a used van. Beautiful home, two healthy kids, two vehicles, a dog, a cat...what more did we need? Apparently a lot. The longer we lived there the further apart I felt my husband and I getting. Suddenly this ideal world that we were building wasn't what I wanted. My health issues started to change and my depression worsened.

The final house, where we live now, marked a new beginning. To this day, in many ways it still does. It represents the struggles that we have overcome and those that we will still face. It is close to the boys school, so they can walk. There is a mix of younger and older families. It is within walking distance to many things. I often feel guilty that we had to leave the last house so I could stay home. I know that Hubby is still struggling to make it feel like home. To him it is a house and a step-backwards in many ways. It needs a lot of work. I also wonder if he resents the fact that I stay home and he goes to work. This may just be my perception though. I do know that I should do more around the house, and I have been trying. Dinner is a problem. Jon hopes to come home to a cooked or at least planned meal; it doesn't happen often. The thought of cooking dinner gives me major debilitating anxiety. I find myself in tears and stressing, often to the point of pulling my hair in frustration. I'm trying to find ways around it. Hopefully I will.

Over the past ten years I have also had a number of jobs. I left most hoping to move up and find my way to upper management before my 30th birthday. Well, I did it, but the cost was very high. I lost myself even further and no longer recognized who I had become. I was happy at work, for the most part, but slept my life away at home. I was let go from my last job, the reason given was a change in direction for the organization, but reality is that it wasn't the right fit, for me or them. The environment was very negative and it brought me way down. Also, my vision and the company vision were very different. I was also new to management and had a hard time working with the person under me. We had a huge conflict in personalities. I've never been good at playing "the game". What ever the reason, it turned out to be the best thing for me. I had planned on leaving the following year anyway and this just sped things up.

The first six months were very difficult - it was hard to live without the extra income. I also felt lost and as though I existed without purpose. It took a bit of a fall. The great leap into darkness was at my mother's 60th birthday. I had the evening planned. I was stressed going into it, and when things didn't go "perfectly' according to plan...I found myself in the basement, in the fatal position crying. http://mentalmommy.blogspot.com/2006/10/i-have-to-let-go.html
I'm not sure that it stopped much for a few months after that.

Later the same month, I became estranged from my adoptive sister - due a huge misunderstanding over a post that I wrote and removed. http://mentalmommy.blogspot.com/2006/10/sometimes-something-innocent-turns.html
To this day she still wants nothing to do with me. The whole ordeal taught me a lot about forgiveness and what family really is. I still wish that the children could see move of each other, but perhaps it is for the best that they don't. I took the loss of the relationship very hard. I have learnt that some things you can't change. As with any lose, I went through the grieving process and thanks to my hubby I have been able to move beyond it.

As she left my life, I met another one of my biological brothers and his family. We have become closer over the past couple of years. It is wonderful to have my new found nieces so close to me. I also rebuilt a relationship with my biological baby sister. She has become one of my best friends. I also reconnected with my middle biological brother and then met the final brother. I had a few chance to meet with my biological father. I also learnt that it is okay to have a mother (the women who gave birth to me) and a mom (the woman who raised me) and to love them both. I may have lost one sister, but I gained a close relationship with two sisters (one on my bio dad's side and one on my mother's) and two brothers (one on my bio dad's side and one on my mother's) , plus their families.

I also participated in a great rehabilitation program that thought me ways to live with and manage my pain. A constant struggle, but one that it well worth it.

I watched both my boys start school. I can't believe how much they have grown. I watched them start various sports and try new things. I've helped them through their struggles. I've smiled and laughed with them. I've cried and yelled with them.

I had a wonderful trip to South Africa with my mom. I learnt a lot about how backwards we have things in North America. we shouldn't live to work; we should work to live.

I graduated my with Degree. It took me nine years, but it was worth it. I even graduated with distinction.

I started teaching children's courses on emotions, talking at teacher's convention about emotions, bullying and the importance of Girls Circles. I worked at school for a few year doing lunch supervision. I ran a support group for a few weeks, I took up beading and photography. All of this to find my greater purpose, my mission in life. All of this to find a place to fit in. All of this things that I truly enjoy doing. However, you can only take and print so many photos before it seems crazy to keep collecting them in a drawer. You can only design and create many pieces of jewellery before they start to collect dust.

We took some great camping vacation with the boys. Attending a few weddings and unfortunately a few funerals. There were also many births. We witnessed the true cycle of life.

We had one dog enter our home as a puppy, which proved to be too much to handle and was given away. The boys still miss her greatly. I don't think our other dog does at all. We also rescued another dog from our local shelter, who so far doesn’t seem to have any problems fitting in.

Hubby and I have come a long way. There is a lot less fighting and we seem to have a better understanding of each other. We are much better at communicating without yelling.

I've also had the pleasure of standing beside Hubby as his career has grown. He is now a manager and was also selected for a business leadership training program.

Right now, I deal with my physical health issues to the best of my ability. I know that I need to eat better and get back onto an exercise program. I kept using the push date of my surgery as an excuse. I also visit my PDoc regularly, try to watch for my signals, and do my best to stay on course. I have to admit that I haven't been the best at taking my meds lately and I sure notice it.
I am hardly ever at home. I do a volunteer program twice a week, which I love, I teach at least one evening a week. Both the volunteering and teaching require a lot of pre-work. I am still trying to make a go of my company. Like so many other things I have looked for excuses to give it up, reasons that it won't work, but I push through it. I am stronger now that I used to be and I know that I can do this. I volunteer at the boy's school once a month. I have a great group of friends to visit with and who help to keep me going.

I am truly thankful for meeting so many new people this decade and for all that I have learnt the past years. I knew that life is a journey and that all obstacles are simply road bumps along the way. Everything happens for a reason. It is with this faith and the hope of things to come that I say goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010.