Tis' the Season

Of many things. For a lot of people with mental illness, and even many without, it is the the season of pasted on smiles that cover the sadness and bright eyes that mask the loneliness. A holiday that is meant to bring joy...seems empty and acts as nothing but a reminder of the darkness that often comes with the changing light that winter brings and another game to try and get through without any bumps along the way. We need to stay strong, hold our heads high and sign "Joy to the World", when inside we question where this joy exisits.



This has never been a good time of year for me. Ever since I was a youn child, I've wanted to run for the holiday season. Even at 11, my poems were of suicide and sadness. You'd think that 21 years later there would be a light. There was for a bit. I forced it. I made it work. I enjoyed the sparkle in my boy's eyes as they marvelled over the wonders of flying raindeer and the stories of Santa, but now even that magic is gone. Constant reminders of their age and the even more, the ill placed values. Wanting more of this or that...picking what should go in their Christmas socks.



I loved the gifts, what child didn't, but I asked for things like a little sister, or food for hungry children...even then I wanted to fix things. I see some of that, but so much of it is lost.



I can't even say that's what gets me down. I wish I knew. I don't. I've never been able to figure it out. This year was made worse by the fact that my surgery was bumped for a third time. This time I made it as far as the hospital bed with the IV ready to go. Fourth time a charm? Add to that the stress of my business, the lack of money, the broken dishwasher, microwave, van battery...and on and on it goes. Yet, even as I type these things I realize that what are they really in the bigger picture. Nothing! However, for some reason they all matter and they all seem so huge.

Christmas comes like every year and like every other year I will make it through. I will be strong for my children and I will smile and sing with my family and friends. I will make silly New Year promises that I already know I will fail to keep.

However, if I am truly blessed, I will be around next year to complain and do it all again. Because as much as I don't like Christmas, I think I would miss the memories good or bad. Christmas might not be the grand perfact day that so many of us want, but if nothing else it is one time a year that people have hope or faith and most take the time to be just that little bit friendlier.

Happy Holidays.