Why am I

so pathetic? Why can't I sleep at night? What am I so afraid of? Is it of the dreams? Is it of dying in my sleep? What??? Why do I need to sleep during the day or just before someone is coming home?

Why am I still seeing, reading, and hearing messages in everything? What is it that I am missing or perhaps more than that, what is it that I am looking for? I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Picking fights, leaving things for the last minute...the shadow is back. I am living in a box. Chocking myself, wanting, needing air. As hard as I scream let me out, no one hears. Sometimes I wonder if even I hear it.

Why this month? November - what a month. My baby would have been 17 years old sometime this month. I met the baby's daddy in November. I had a misscarge. I guess I was lucky. I mean I was only 14 years old when I got pregenant. Story of my life - looking for someone to want me; someone to love me. Joke was on me I suppose. I fell for it all. Then when I was date-rapped only a month and a bit after the miscarriage, I blamed myself. I deserved the ponishment. A miscarriage and date-rap in the same year. Two of the hardest lifetime events I went through and no one knew. But why bring it all up now. Why after so many years?

The push, pull game has started. The fear of failure and the fear of success. The fighting with Hubby. The mask - GO AWAY BPD!!! I was doing fine without you.

Is it because things are going so well. Am I playing the self-sabatoge game? Things go well, so knock them off the tracks before they run off course on their own?

I'm stronger now. I can get through this. I will. I have too.