Things are going okay right now. I mean...as October moves away, things are slowly getting better. I'm not sure why Oct. is such a bad month - perhaps now it is a self-fulfiled prophacy.
I still feel very lost and often find myself living outside of my body and looking in on things. I am also looking for validation again and a sense of belonging. At least I am aware of what is going on and I am still able to talk my way through everything.

I talked to my PDoc. and she advices not to use sunglasses with the lap. It won't work then. We also lowered my one medication. I will hopefully go back on my pain medication. The weight gain has proved to be a challenge for me these past few months. I'm having a hard time accepting it. My mom has always harped on the need to be thin. It's stuck all these years. She's very quick to point out weight gain, achne... I know she means well, but for someone like myself who seeks constent approval and acceptence it adds another pressure.

Sleep is still a bit of a struggle. I am constently tired and yet am not tired at all. It's hard to explain. Food has also become a struggle for me. I look to it for comfort. As a teenager I abused food - like cutting it was something that I could control in my life. Now, I'm not sure that it is about control, but rather a huge lack of. I am abusing it again, but this time I am eating too much or at odd times. Before I was belimic. Is gourging my new drug of choice?

I look at my life and I ask how I got here. I look at the many forks along the way and I question if I went the right directions. Yet, what else could I ask for?