Chasing my Tail

Thanks for the suggestion of trying sunglasses while I am using the SADS lamp. It seems to be helping somewhat.

I totally agree that the moments from the past create or shape those of today and tomorrow. I guess that I just sometimes wonder what it would be like if I took different forks in the road. Then I stop to ask myself what is so bad that I would even want to change things.

I guess it's just that world I've create in my mind. I think that I want to go back to see things from a new angle. I've grown so much, and yet in other ways I still feel like this volunerable child. I am still trying so hard to figure out who I am and what I want to do.

I mean, don't get me wrong I love my new company. I was hoping for instant success - ha ha ha. Like most things I jumped in way to quickly. Finding all the suppliers and dealing with a number of them isn't all that I thought it would be. I also had visions of people being really excited about this new home party option, and so far, well not so much. However, I haven't done much in the way of adertising. With my surgery coming up in December I didn't want to start booking parties and having to turn them down. Look, like so many other things I've already found an excuse. It sure doesn't take me very long does it. Who am I trying to fool. I don't know enough about book keeping to run my own business. My forcasting sheets are the shit. I want some help, but have no idea where to go. Every time I try to mention anything about money Hubby seems to blank out or squirm. Not that I blame him. Two months in and I've already almost doubled my budget. What am I doing and who am I kidding.

I also still love working with kids and on the emotional health things. That is my passion. Why do I run from it?

It all comes down to trying to find my place. I know what it is, but I can't stop it. I can't change the patterns. Even CBT doesn't wanna work. WHAT am I doing here? Why do I run in circles like this?

I hate October. It's such a downer time for me. This year I'm not even in the mood for decorating my yard. Those who know me, know that is a huge bad sign. I see it, but I do nothing but try to sleep it away.