Does it still count as 15hours if you multiply it?

So, it is almost 12:00am, and likely will be after I am done typing this. Me, I am physically awake and somehow managing to get work done, and yet I am also extremely tired at the same time (so please forgive my mistakes).

My company is slowly coming together. I have most of my suppliers. I am about 2/3 done my catalogue. I have a few people lined-up to book parties, and I have a friend wanting to buy a couple of things. I even have people who are interested in possibly signing up under me. However, right now I can't even think about that. I have to at least get a few months and a few parties under my belt.

My PDoc told me that she didn't want me to do more that about 15 hours of work, including my volunteer stuff. Well, I've been doing 15 hours a day, do you think that's what she meant? Ok, so I'm slightly over doing it - hence the head cold, the inability to sleep, the irritability and easy tears...I know. I know. I just keep telling myself that once things are started it will slow down. I just think that there is so much pressure on me. Hubby already thinks I am going to fail. Why he agreed to this is beyond me. I've been second guessed the whole process. I'm even starting to doubt things myself.

In his defence, it is a lot of money, money that we don't have, and I've had a lot of ideas and tries a lot of things over the years. I just wish that he would try to understand what my company even is. Take some interest in the products. He came home today and tried to start a conversation with me about a similar company in Eastern Canada. He wanted to know if I'd looked at their brochure to see if I was on track. I don't think he put it like that, but that's what I read into it. I got mad and then apologized, but explained to him that taking an interest didn't mean looking at what other people are doing, it means looking at my catalogue and stuff. There is no winning with me right now. Even my poor mom took me out last night to pick up a few things, and I was nothing but bitchy. I did call to tell her how sorry I was…it’s the pressure, the workload, the lack of sleep (actually tonight is the first night I am up past 10:30, most nights I’ve just been waking up at 1:30, 3:30, 6:30 and then 7:30 for the day – if I’m lucky I will grab a nap for an hour or so during the day) and this stupid cold. Excuses don’t make the behaviour right though.

I think I need to get out of the house. I've been living on my couch with this laptop, trying so hard to get orders in, catalogue designed, forms made up, lists developed... I haven't walked the boys to school (maybe twice in three weeks); I haven't gone to the gym (once in like three weeks) and any running around that I've done has some how involved company related work. Well, I spend most of Saturday with the family and Sunday at my niece’s birthday party. However, I can bet you I did some work on my stuff. I have been trying to take some time off to play a game or so with my family. I think they need to know that I am alive. I think I need to know that I am alive.

I will be starting Roots soon. I really enjoy the program. I will be doing two classes this year. Three was a lot to handle last year. Although, I did three grade five classes and there isn't a lot of extra work. I believe that this year I am doing younger grades, which means more prep work. I wonder how two younger grades will compare with three older grades? How many hours will that add to my week? LOL!

I start teaching a couple of my evening classes the second week in October. I generally enjoy the kids in these classes. The biggest thing is keeping everyone involved. The class that I find the hardest to teach is the anger management one. The material is rather dry for kids to sit through in the evening after a day at school. I've been trying to find more hands-on activities. I think I am slowly getting there. It is always harder to take on already existing material than it is to start a course fresh (I find).

I hope that my girl's class goes. I think it will be a lot of fun. I've been talking to girls' circles since I was a teen. It is so important for girls to see their strength and inner beauty - well, it is for everyone. Sometimes I just wish that I could stop kids from making some of the mistakes that I made. At the same time, those mistakes are what helped to shape me today - so it's a bit hard to know for sure. I want them to know that you can choose your own path, to see that live does come down to crossroads and choices. I learn a lot from the girls too.

I see my PDoc Monday, so I'll try to update you then, if not before. I know I have gotten so bad about keeping this up-to-date. I am sorry. I barely see my friends right now. I need to learn how to do things on a smaller scale. I need to learn that my idea of perfect doesn't exist, because nothing that I do is ever good-enough in my eyes.

If only I could go an turn on the TV. I miss the flickering lights and the faint sound in the background to help me fall asleep on nights like these, when I can’t get comfortable and my mind won’t shut off. The month of no TV or Video games is almost up. I’ll miss the evening card or board games, but gladly welcome back a descent sleep.