Direction, Coping and Gorging

Boy, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I am sorry about that. Somehow I let everyday of this summer slide by me too quickly (in a good way). I enjoyed the time with my boys and was actually sad to see the start of the school year. However, it will be nice not to hear their silly bickering every two seconds.

I got my diploma in the mail. It is so offical now. I love it. Although, now I think I should actually be doing something with it. I mean nine years of part time school to sit at home - seems a little silly. I have to remind myself that I started before my physical symptoms got to bad.

My PDoc wants me to do no more than 15 hours of work/volunteering a week. Given my interests that will be hard. Not to mention that we need some sort of income. This brings me to my home based business. (I'll tell you about it shortly - I don't want to jinks anything). I am very excited, but at the same time hesitent. I always get these ideas and then end up going no where - I fear the failure instead of reaching for success.

I talked to my PDoc about disability; she'd mentioned the possibility before. After talking and looking at how much I was able to take on last year, she's not sure I'd qualify. I was able to "cope" with everything. The question that I have is how closely related are quality of life and coping. I did what I needed to do, because I'd said I would and I don't like to back down on my word - however, I cried more, slept more, ate more... My physical pain went up. I had to up my pain medication and my mental medication.

Food is a not really a new issue for me. In the past it was bulimia (as a teen) and now it seems to be gorging. This is odd - normally I'd be very concerned about the wieght gain. I've been blaming it on my medication (which the water retention is partly due too), but certainly not the rest. How do I turn this pattern off? I've also gone to the gym less. I used summer as an excuse, but what excuse do I have now that the kids are back in school? Although, righgt now my chest pains have been pretty bad. (See and excuse for everything).

It's hard at times. I like to think that I'm doing better, but the negative self talk seems to stay at the back of my mind. I'm getting better at ignoring it - but I wish that it would just go away. Maybe I expect to much. Maybe my idea of healthy just isn't real.