None to be found

“The only thing greater than the power of the mind is the courage of the heart.”
- A Beautiful Mind

So, I decided to start Mental Health Week with a full clean swipe of my house. It is time to let go of the clutter from my past in hopes of making room for the present and the future. I have already gotten the boys keepsake boxes down to one each. I’ve also managed to decrease mine to only one box. I decided that if I could no longer remember why I have it or where it came from it was time to get rid of it. I could no longer hold onto things simply because I’ve held onto them this long, so they must be important.

It was a great trip down memory lane, looking at old pictures and reading letters from my various pen pals. I had moments of laughter and moments of tears. Everything that I’ve held onto was a part of my life and in some way shaped who I am today. I understand that there is no going back and I understand that there are no regrets, but a part of me still struggles with the what ifs. I’ve never been good at crossroads. I suppose that it all comes down to practising living in the now, which I am still trying to do.

My next step is to get rid of my school work (I still have things from Jr and Sr, high school) and to go through my work portfolio. I mean lets be honest, I am no longer in the communications field, how much do I really need to hold onto? Following that is the task of going through my clothing. Why is it so hard to get rid of clothes? Is it because I hate doing laundry? Although, I rarely wear most of it, I continue to wash my favourite stuff.

I’ve also reviewed a very old manuscript that I wrote years ago. I’ve passed it out for a few students to read. I am very curious to hear what they have to say. It would be so great to move the book towards a publishing phase. I’ve sent it off before and been rejected, but with feedback from the target audience, I should be able to write a stronger letter.
I am also making bookmarks that I hope to sell. I would like to donate 80% of the profit to the Canadian Mental Health Association.

I would love to restart my photography, but wish I had a better camera. I’m also not sure where I would sell it, or if I even could.

Add to that my resource guides that I am creating and on and on it goes. Why can’t I pick one key area and focus on it. I know many people would say adult ADHD, and I would somewhat agree. However, I think more of it has to do with my fear of failure and fear of letting people down.

While my pain level is down, I still feel somewhat like I am floating between the real world and the dream world. I am lacking motivation to complete my school work and searching for ways to better organize my life, find some meaning where I’m starting to think there is none to be found.