Sitting on the Borderline

I guess I’ve known that things haven’t been right for awhile now. My first clue should have been the lack of energy; I forgot how mentally trying it is to try and keep things in perspective. If only I didn’t have to work so hard to stay in control and keep my thoughts rational.
I’m back to questioning Hubby about why he loves me. Thankfully he won’t give into the game this time. I’m wondering what the point of me being here is. I’m feeling guilty about not providing more for my family. More than that, I am wondering around lost.

I know that I am there somewhere. In fact, part of me must still be there. I am in control of my thoughts and behaviours...it just takes all of my energy. Living in the now, or trying to is proving to be somewhat helpful. The only problem is that I’m not as aware of what is going on around me as I have been. This is a problem because it only takes on small trigger to set me off, and if I’m not scanning the horizon, then I may not know in time what is coming.

I guess that I am currently a fraction of my healthy self – a tiny fragment remains inside, trying to hold the rest of me together. The consequence of that is that my walls go up. I become protective and suspicions. I fear abandonment again. I can see the black and white thinking trying to take over. The fog is creeping in. To avoid it, I sleep. I detach myself as much as I can from those I love. I do it to protect them, and I do it to protect myself.

Typical borderline, the mask and wall goes up when life is to painful to deal with. This time though, I am trying to believe that I can be okay. I am trying to survive a very new type of painful experience. I know longer what to keep abandoning myself. A big part of shirking on my personal responsibility and needing to be rescued is motivated by my inability to hold (deal with and cope with) my own emotions. To look at my emotions gives way to a rise of panic that leaves me feeling very unsafe and unsure. This of course increases my need to be taken care of.

This time, I will take care of myself as opposed to collapsing to be rescued by others. This means stepping out from behind my creative and intelligent masks of deceit, self-protection, drama, chaos, anger… in order to re-experience the pain that I am hiding from. Hence, the mental exhaustion. Only when I face the pain as an adult and not the child of BPD will the pain start to heal.

I am going to use the skills I have gained over the past year or so to reach past old thoughts, beliefs and coping mechanisms. I am going to reach past old excuses, patterns of shame and blame and to clearly see both the reality of my suffering and the purpose of it at the same time. I will no longer be a victim. This time I will be a survivor.

I suppose that in the process, sleep is the best way I have to protect those around me until my mind grasps a hold of what I need it to. In this process, I need to look beyond my current source of pain and continue to evaluate my life. As much as I have tried to live in the now, I have to balance that with living in tomorrow. I have to learn to meet your own needs. Soothe myself. Let go of trying to meet my needs through others. I will push my walls down – walls of emotion, self protection, fear, pain – I will step beyond the illusionary safety of my walls and start to heal.