A Walk in the Fog

I'm not really sure what has been going on this past week, but I have been feeling really blah; out of sorts. I know that a few weeks ago, I forgot to take my meds with me when I went away, which is really bad as for a couple of days I did without, but that was three weeks ago now and I've been really steady since then.

I've been stuck in this sort of fog...living life, and yet watching life happen. I think in part it's due to stress. I have been changing hats so many times that I've forgotten what it is like to just take the hat off and be myself. To deal with it all, I have become each of the hats in the given situations, doing what needs to be done and then lost the remainder of the time. Lost to the point of exhaustion.

I have also been thinking a lot about what tomorrow holds. I’ve lost track of living in the now. Somehow I need to find that space again. I need to figure out what through me off track so I can avoid it in the future. I feel bad for Hubby and the boys, because I’ve been sleeping a lot more lately. My mind has just been so tiered.

I also seem to be getting sick a lot this year. Fevers, stomach bugs and colds...perhaps the stress. The odd thing though is that most of my stress is self created. I have chosen to do all the roles that I’ve taken on. Ask me to drop something or to stop and I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’d be lost. Somehow my personality or my “self” has always been connected to what I do. It comes back to wanting to make a difference. To genuinely help people to find their strength. To change people’s negative attitudes around mental illness... Within all of this though, I’m not sure that I value what I have to offer. I mean I do a lot of volunteer stuff, which is great, but it doesn’t help pay the bills. I know that I could charge for some of my materials and classes, but it feels wrong. I enjoy what I am doing and I’m doing it because it feel right. Yet, part of me wonders if it’s not because I don’t know what value to place on it. Maybe it also has to do with my fear of failure. If I don’t market my services, than I can choose when to do them and how. I don’t need to worry about businesses finding me or finding business, I can choose to offer then this great free services. Who would say no to that?

So here I sit, lost somewhere in the fog, walking around in a world, where I stay shut in my mind, but physically I go through the motions each day. As I go through these motions, some things are forgotten and I slip, make silly moves (today I even went to switch lanes into oncoming traffic and barely noticed before Hubby said anything), say silly things...I am no longer part of the world. I fear those around me, what they are saying and what they are doing. I no longer even have the energy to chose a mask, the mask now chooses me.