The weather

Two such small words/questions that often have such big answers. All week I've been thinking about writing a post and haven't been able to find the time. Now that I am able to sit down and write, the post no longer seem relevant. I was going to write about the weather and how similar it is to my life. We were right in the middle of a cold, snowy period, which has now passed. I am not saying that my life is cold or snowy, but it often very windy. So many things swirling around me physically, mentally and emotionally. All blowing together and often in the same direction. I used to pride myself on having a good memory, now I wonder if I have one at all. Do I blame it on age? The meds? Having kids? Who knows where it went?

Like the weather, I am also unpredictable, just when you think you have me figured out, I change. I change because I am still trying to figure myself out. I change because I sense that you have gotten too close. I change because it seems like something to do. I change to become what you expect and to become what you don't.

I am proud to say that in a number of years I haven't been stuck in a tornado, causing destruction around me. I haven't been a hurricane of rage or a tidal wave dragging others down. I have gained control over my rage and anger. I have learnt to stop it before it comes. Yet, within me I can still feel the forces trying to be unleashed. I have learnt to put up storm guards and tame the forces before they are unleashed. It is tiring though, draining in a way that not many people would understand.

I still find myself waiting for the rain. Somehow the sunshine never lasts. It can't last. Eventually the clouds have to take its place. I wish that I could avoid it, but no matter how hard I try to run, the rain falls. The question is will it be a nice spring shower or will it be a huge flooding fall? Again, I have to work at this. Once again the umbrella goes up as I try to keep things calm. This too is tiring.

I suppose that this is where learning to life in the moment and just be comes in handy. More and more I am finding the value in this. Little by little I am trying to live in this world. As the meteorologist try to forecast the weather, I will learn to live with the surprise of what the day brings and work within the realms of what is given to me.