New Year - Will there be closure?

It is 2009. Who knows where 2008 went. Sometimes I wish that I could slow things done and at others I wish I could speed them up. I try to reflect in each year and wonder what the point is. In so many aspects of my life I am treading water, going no where. As hard as I try to get unstuck, there seems to be no point.

A couple years ago I wrote a blog entry that hurt my family. Thankfully most of them have been able to move past it, realizing that it was not meant to be in any way negative. It was a reflection. It was me trying to see things and understand the world. I realize that no one wants to have their flaws out there, but there were no surprises in the entry. I wrote about a past relationship, a troubled path and a distance that I hoped we were moving past. Ironic that I actually made it worst. However, maybe that was the path it needed to take. There is a lesson in it, I am sure of that.

Most of my family has forgiven me for my mistake, and moved on to building newer stronger bonds. In life, we should take the past, learn from it and move forward. Going back into memories is often pointless, you can not change what has been done. Going into the future is also pointless, you can not predict any guaranteed outcomes.

Anyway the post that I wrote was up for maybe 9 hours (most of which people would have been sleeping). I was asked to take it down and as much as it pained me to do so, I did. I did so out of respect for my family. I've tried so hard to get past that entry and create bonds that didn't exist for me when I was growing up. However, as hard as I try I can't seem to get it through my thick head that it is done...over. Relationships can't work if both parties aren't willing to make an effort. Hubby sees this. My PDoc sees this. Why can’t I? The problem is that children are involved. How do you explain to them that they'll never have a relationship with family members that literally live down the road? How do you explain to them that people often make false plans without even thinking about who will get hurt?

I wonder to about the lessons being taught on the other side of things. How do you teach your children about forgiveness when you can not forgive? How do you teach them about the value of family, when none is shown? How do you simply take them away from people who were once important in their lives? These are things that I will never understand.

In many ways Mr. Magoo seems so much smarter than me. He sees a truth that I have yet to accept. Yet his 'why bother' complaisant attitude also hurts me. This is his family. Yet, in another way I envy him. He has no expectation.

Anyway, tonight I dropped their Christmas gifts on their front porch. Hopefully they will get them safely. We had tentatively set a date, which of course came and went. My phone call went unanswered. Today, as I cleaned the decorations, I had Mr. Magoo phone and leave a message about dropping the gifts off. I know his message would be returned. I don't understand how they expect to have a relationship with my boys if they refuse to have one with me. This isn't a messy divorce. I hated asking Mr. Magoo to make the call. He shouldn't have been put into the middle. Yet, he is in the middle. Anyway, the call was returned. A message was left stading that they'd email us at a later date to make plans. Email us? Crazy, I know.

Anyway, Hubby and I don't like using email to make plans. Neither one of us check our home emails that regularly, plus it seems so cold and distant. It's another way for them to avoid talking to me. I'm tiered of the game. The boys are too. So as a family we decided that it was easier just to drop their gifts off and let what will be, be. Our door isn't the one that closed, our phone number isn't the one that changed. We are no the ones without a voice. Still, a part of me aches.

How do I mourn a loose when I know that they live so close by? How do I pretend that I don't care, when inside I ache to see the little ones?

Looking back at 2008 overall, I'd say it was a good year for me. My medication is under control, I've started a great physical health regime (diet and exercise), I'm almost done my degree, I love my volunteer work, I've picked up some more teaching and finally feel like I am coming to accept what I am mentally and physically able to do. 'No' is slowly starting to become a part of my vocabulary as I learn to pace myself.

I think that I've always wanted to just wave a magic wand and have the depression and BPD just disappear. Suddenly I would be well. Same thing with my physical pain. However, it about learning to live with it, not get rid of it. Shifting how I approach things, talking and breathing my way through whatever it is I do. Teaching my kids and those around me about my limitations. The other side of the coin is seeing the world for all that it has to offer, appreciating every moment and being thankful for what I do have and am capable of doing. I am truly blessed in my life. Sometimes my depressing put a dark cloud over my eyes, numbs my emotions and takes me away from reality...but what the sun rises again it is that much brighter.