Explanation, not an excuse

I don't know where my mind is at these days. I get so stuck, well fixated one idea that I can't just let things go. I get obsessed. Right now it is about getting another dog. I've wanted one for a bit now, but for the past few days I've been searching Kijiji and actually emailing people and thinking of new names and things to do with the dogs. I can picture it in our home, keeping Buzz company and watching the kids play with it. Hubby really doesn't want another dog. He claims to suddenly despise dogs. Anyway, I just keep pushing and pushing. I know that it is wrong and I hear the voices telling me to stop, but I can't seem to let it go. Why should he have the final say? Why should it be all about him? Yet, in the same way I am trying to make it about me. I want to win this one.

We had two dogs for awhile, but had to get rid of one after two years. She was too big for me. I couldn't handle her. She also fought a lot with Buzz, to the point that Buzz got really hurt a few times. It was so hard giving her up, but I know she is better now. I suppose that a part of my thought that we'd be getting another dog someday. A small dog that I would be able to handle. You know, when the time was right. I guess that the time will never be right.

I seem to crave animals when I want a baby. Sort of as a replacement. I know that sounds really wrong, but I was never supposed to have only two kids. I always wanted four kids. When I met and married Hubby, I thought he did to. My pregnancy and depression were so hard on me, plus our financial situation that I suppose Hubby realized that two healthy babies was enough of a family. It is, and yet I never prepared for Mr. Magoo to be my last pregnancy. I never thought of him as my last baby. I guess that now that I am 31, I crave that even more. Maybe it is the whole biological clock kicking in. Maybe it is because so many people I know I have small babies. I don't know.

When I had the boys, I had them in part to fill a void. I wanted someone to love and hold, someone who would love me unconditionally. I wanted to create a small part of me. Both very selfish reasons (although why do women have babies?). I knew that I would love them and that we'd be able to provide for them. I wanted to make a strong family. Create a wonderful bond between me and Hubby.

This time I want a baby, but not to fill some void. I'm not really sure why to be honest. The desire is just so strong. I can't actually have a baby, well not without reducing my tubal or by some small slim chance. I also know how hard it would be on Hubby. I gave up on that along time ago. It created so much tension, and took so much out of our relationship.

I've also always wanted to adopt or foster children. I've just had this sort of calling. I know that I can help them. I have so much love to give. This too was huge point of contention between Hubby and me. Like the dog thing now, I became obsessed with it. I found three kids online, I would sit up staring at their picture, wishing, hoping for some miracle that they could be a part of our family. Only a few times did I bring it up to Hubby.

The worst part about these silly obsessions, is that I try to manipulate the circumstances. I'll show the boys the photos. I make Hubby out to be the bad guy. I don't mean to. I know it is wrong, but for some reason the stop signal doesn't reach my brain until it is too late. I become a child. I have learnt to tell the kids that Hubby and I have decided the timing is wrong, but they know already it was Hubby who said no. I apologize to Hubby for doing it, but that still makes it wrong.

It moves past dogs and kids. Everything that I do, I do it larger than others. Webkinzs, I could just stop at one or two. Now I have over 150. Tea, I couldn't just enjoy drinking it, I had to create a cupboard full (100ish), buy lots of teapots, tea strainers... It was the same with the dollar store a few years ago, with scrapbooking, with Facebook and the list goes on and on.

What strange type of OCD is this? Is it part of the BPD? I mean, I know that the manipulation is. The label is just that a label. I can't use it as an excuse for my behaviour, simply an explanation. I still have to face the consequences. My behaviour should not simply be brushed aside, not by me or by others. I don't expect that. I never have. I know that I need to recondition my thoughts and my behaviours, but it is so hard. I am already working on so many areas in my life. How do I add another one? Why have I compartmentalized each aspect? Is it simply a part of baby steps, lining everything up until they fit together.

I will never give up trying to be a better person. I will never stop retraining my behaviours and my thoughts. However, as much as my behaviour should not be excused, I do need forgiveness and guidance to help me move forward. My intent is never to intentionally hurt someone else; in a backwards sort of way it is to protect myself, to push you away, to start the fight before you do. While life is never black and white, sometimes that is the only way that my mind knows how to think and see the world. It makes it so much easier.