Wordless Wednesday - Fourth for 2008

Another rainy day

quelqu'un, cierto, qualcheduno, jemand - No matter the language it all just means Somebody

I read this funny saying the other day and it actually got me thinking, mind you most things do.

I used to wish that I would be somebody when I grew-up,
maybe I should have been more specific.

I think many of us had the same wish, but we all forgot to define what that word somebody meant. For some of us it meant being famous, for others it meant being a successful professional and still for others it might have meant being a parent. I think for me it meant in some way being successful or even famous. It also meant having that fairytale lifestyle. Somehow I never made it; now I realize that I did. The problem for me was defining myself through other people's eyes and standards, not my own.

I think a small part of me still wants something more. I know what it is, but I'm scared of reaching for it. I also keep telling myself that I need to be someone else, someone with a huge network or fame to make it work. The thing is that famous people weren't always famous, they created it. I don't want fame in the movie sense of the word, I'm not even sure that I want fame. I want the reach and the publicity, but for the purpose of having a voice and making a difference. I want to leave my ripples in life.

It is not how many ripples you leave,
but how far they reach and how long they last that makes the difference.

Sorry, this isn't make much sense here. Let me start back at the begging with my initial thought - the idea of being a somebody. How can such a simple word be so tricky to define? In it's simplest form it means some person, it is unspecified and unknown who the person is, without further detail. Generally we've come to know the term to signify someone of importance. Even Charlotte knew this when she wrote Some Pig in her web to describe Wilber.


For me, I think it meant having it all - the career and the family. Part of it was also the draw to fame, my craving for attention and to be accepted. Eventually though, it has come to mean someone of importance, someone who makes a difference in life, someone who can change stigmas and remove barriers. However, I still get stuck in this idea that I am that unknown person. I use this as an excuse. To be honest, I really don't know how to get past that. I want so badly to educate the world on mental illness, be the face to show that it is nothing be embarrassed of. I want to break down walls and reduce the stigma. I realize that I do it somewhat on a smaller scale, but I want to have that reach. I want to be out there.


I just have this story that I want to tell, I have this passion and fire within me, but I stay stuck on the details. I get caught up in so many other things and ideas. I allow small obstacles or failures to shut me down. I wonder sometimes if I need to change, or if my definition of somebody need to change?

Wordless Wednesday - Third for 2008

Thoughts on Parenting

The first week is done and out of the way, yeah. It's strange that it somehow seems hard to switch from the school routine to the summer routine. You'd think it would be easy to switch, but it's not. The kids seem lost and out of place. All they want to do is play electronics. I'm sure that will wear off. We have a system. Each one gets 12 dollars in Monopoly money, they have to pay so much per 1/2 hour session. I think it's a dollar. Once the money is gone, then there is no more playing. It works okay. They ask for "freebies" a lot. I have to admit that to get them out of my hair I often give in. Hubby is much stronger than I am.

It's funny how kids feel the need to parent each other. I think part of it has to do with finding their own independence. I think the other part is that as hard as parents try to be equal, it never works out that way. Kids are different and need different rules. Things that work for one don't work for the other. I don't think I understood that as a child. It's a hard concept for siblings. Add to that personalities and boy it can get ugly. The hard part is not letting it get out of control.

I learnt something really valuable this year about parenting; sometimes you have to take the training wheels off and let kids fall. I was so consider about protecting Mr. Magoo from hardships at school that I became his training wheels. In some way I think I stopped him from believing in himself. I was always there to catch him, to offer my help or unsolicited advice. Finally his teacher made a comment at parent teacher interviews, I don't even recall what it was, but I knew it was time for me to back off. I had to let him fall. A strange thing happened through, once he realized that I wasn't going to catch him, he soared. He found himself.

I was so stuck in how hard things were for me as a child, that I forgot he isn't me. He has different strengths and weakness. As I tried to make things easier, I forgot to give him is own skills to grow. I realized that it was me who had been holding on so long, not him. Although, he did test me a few times. It was trial and error trying to find the right balance.

I still struggle with finding the balance between parent and friend. I want my kids to like me. I want to be a part of their lives and I am a big kid at heart. I worry so much about discipline, I worry about not being liked, I worry about them talking back to me, I worry about it being the one little thing that will set me off into a fit or a spiral down. I need to refocus and figure out how to just be, like I am doing with so many other aspects of my life. I guess that I've heard so many horrible stories about parents with BPD that I don't want to ever be one of them. I hope that I have a perspective on life that maybe they lacked.

Random thoughts about life on a very hot sunny day

Boy it's been awhile. Let's see if I still remember how to do this. I spend most of June catching up on things that didn't get done in April or May. I had the chicken pox and pneumonia. However, life didn't stop moving by quickly. I have finished one more course towards my degree, leaving me on my last one. Eight years to do, yet through it all I kept going. It might not sound like much, but there were some pretty hard times in there. In fact, most of it seemed filled with a lot of shit at times. I know during parts of those eight years at was at the lowest of lows, but no matter what I've always known that I would someday finish. It feels really good to be done.

My PDoc is slowly starting to let me fly now. We think we finally have my meds down to the right kinds and dozes. My sleep is still a bit off, but maybe that is just part of me. I get stuck there sometimes trying to figure out which is me and which is the depression or the meds. I think I'm finally starting to realize that they coexist together and are in fact one-in-the-same. I say this, because without the depression and the meds I wouldn't be who I am, I would be somebody else and that would not be me. This is okay. My illnesses bring with the clouds of darkness, but with that comes the rays of sunshine. I wish that others could see the sun through their illnesses. I couldn't always.

I've also gone to see someone about my pain. I will be hopefully starting a rehab type program for people with fibromyalgia. I'm still not certain that is what it is, nor is anyone else for that matter, but all the same, I am positive that it will help. I need my strength back. Just yesterday I was walking with my boys and out of the blow lost my footing and fell. It happens to me more than I care to admit. THe numbness on my left side has also been very strong lately, but I push through. I have to, for me and those around me.

Learning how to just be and live in the moment, albeit it difficult, seems to be suiting me well. I feel like I have less weight on my shoulders. There is no need to look back and no need to look forward...too much is missed along the way. The past has happened and cannot be changed and the future is untold no matter how much planning we try to do.

Part of leaning how to just be has helped me to see that I can't control everything, let alone others. I can't expect anything. Life is chaos with a purpose. Somehow in the end the chaos all comes together to tell a story and that story is all that remains when you are gone. The story can last or simply fade, depending upon how you chose to live within the chaos...it can't be controlled. While the chaos can't be controlled, we can. We can decide how to act and react...it is a series of choices. This power comes from within. It comes from no one else. It can't be found, bought, lost or replaced.

I've spend my life looking for this person I am suppose to be. I've spend years trying to fill some hole that I believed was within me...but there were never any answers, nothing ever seemed to come my way. Now, I realize it's been with me the whole time. It didn't come from God, a book, a toy, family...it just is. I think once I stopped looking and questioning, the answer came. It seemed so obvious. I hope I never feel the need to look again.