Looking for signs in two worlds

Do we live in the physical world, the world we touch, hear, see, smell and taste, or do we live in the world we create in our own minds? How do we truly know? What I see as truths, realities and even colours varies from what someone else in the same situation, same place and same time may see as their truths, realities and colours. The way in which we describe tastes, smells, sights and the sense or touch varies from individual to individual. How do we know which of these worlds is the true world? Does it matter? My perception or your perception can they both not be truths within the physical world or do they simply live in our minds? Perhaps the physical world is a meeting point for these truths. What happens then when one world drifts away from another or when the two clide?

Right now, I think my two have hit eachother head on. Perhaps my first sign should have been the dramatic change in hair colour - blond to red. Add to that the lack of focus in my school work, which I blamed on a shift in focus (my physical rehab program, my need to get phsically healthy) and my odd eating habits. I guess that maybe I didn't want to see them as sighs.

Whenever things start to go really well for me, I wonder when it will fall again. I start to look for signs and over analyze everything. This time I swore that I wouldn't do that. What was the point? Why could I not just celebrate the sucess and the progress. Looking for signs seemed so silly, a self-fufilling prophacy of sorts. Somehow I think in the end I fufilled the same prophecy bu trying so hard not to look for signs. I guess that living in the moment and the here and now isn't as easy as I thought.

In the physical world things can be going so well. The whole look good feel good attititude. Things can be going along so smoothly that the world in your mind starts to believe in all the changes...but eventually there is a colision, there is always a crash. The stupid thing is that I was so prepared this time. I know that October is a bad time of year for me...I know that the lack of sunlight only adds to my already deep running depression, but inside there is always a small light that burns, a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I will finally be strong enough to handle life, knowing full well that it has nothing to do with strength; yet, wondering how it cannot when all I feel is weakness.

Oddly enough I take comfort in that weakness right now. I take comfort in knowing that I still feel something and am not numb, not yet. There is still pain and there are still tears. I can still smile and still laugh, but within me there is an irritabily starting to peak its ugly head out every once in a while. There is also a nagging voice of regret and failure trying to over shadow my success. I hold on to an ever fading hope for my future a bright future. As long as I have this hope, I still have some strength. I can't let this whispering song end.

This is where my two worlds start to meet again. I know that it is no longer enough to simply play the part, for the world within my mind knows the smile not to be true. I know that it is no longer enough to go through the motions of daily life, I must live them - believe in them and feel them on every level. I also know that it is important to maintain some sense of a routine, develop a strong schedule, a pattern of comfort and familiarity. I know that I must see my PDoc and get my meds increased as we'd previously discussed. I also know that I need to keep my door of communication open with my loving support system. I can't be affraid of disappoitment. I am disappoiting know one, but myself. Limitations...what a word. Knowing your limitations. Is there not a better way of saying that? Knowing what is attainable, Working within the margains available...some type of positive reframe. It is small steps such as these that will make all of the difference.

The plans that we make for our lives should not be messured by sucesses or by failures; they should be meassured by smiles and tears, people we've touched positively or negatively, mistakes we've made and lessons we've learned, love and hatred we've shared, laughter and forgiveness. When all is said and done it is the ripples in the water that matter. Each of us needs to decide what we want those ripples to be. No one can decide this for us. Potential...potential is what others expect of you...Ability is what only you know that you can achieve.