Thoughts on Parenting

The first week is done and out of the way, yeah. It's strange that it somehow seems hard to switch from the school routine to the summer routine. You'd think it would be easy to switch, but it's not. The kids seem lost and out of place. All they want to do is play electronics. I'm sure that will wear off. We have a system. Each one gets 12 dollars in Monopoly money, they have to pay so much per 1/2 hour session. I think it's a dollar. Once the money is gone, then there is no more playing. It works okay. They ask for "freebies" a lot. I have to admit that to get them out of my hair I often give in. Hubby is much stronger than I am.

It's funny how kids feel the need to parent each other. I think part of it has to do with finding their own independence. I think the other part is that as hard as parents try to be equal, it never works out that way. Kids are different and need different rules. Things that work for one don't work for the other. I don't think I understood that as a child. It's a hard concept for siblings. Add to that personalities and boy it can get ugly. The hard part is not letting it get out of control.

I learnt something really valuable this year about parenting; sometimes you have to take the training wheels off and let kids fall. I was so consider about protecting Mr. Magoo from hardships at school that I became his training wheels. In some way I think I stopped him from believing in himself. I was always there to catch him, to offer my help or unsolicited advice. Finally his teacher made a comment at parent teacher interviews, I don't even recall what it was, but I knew it was time for me to back off. I had to let him fall. A strange thing happened through, once he realized that I wasn't going to catch him, he soared. He found himself.

I was so stuck in how hard things were for me as a child, that I forgot he isn't me. He has different strengths and weakness. As I tried to make things easier, I forgot to give him is own skills to grow. I realized that it was me who had been holding on so long, not him. Although, he did test me a few times. It was trial and error trying to find the right balance.

I still struggle with finding the balance between parent and friend. I want my kids to like me. I want to be a part of their lives and I am a big kid at heart. I worry so much about discipline, I worry about not being liked, I worry about them talking back to me, I worry about it being the one little thing that will set me off into a fit or a spiral down. I need to refocus and figure out how to just be, like I am doing with so many other aspects of my life. I guess that I've heard so many horrible stories about parents with BPD that I don't want to ever be one of them. I hope that I have a perspective on life that maybe they lacked.