Random thoughts about life on a very hot sunny day

Boy it's been awhile. Let's see if I still remember how to do this. I spend most of June catching up on things that didn't get done in April or May. I had the chicken pox and pneumonia. However, life didn't stop moving by quickly. I have finished one more course towards my degree, leaving me on my last one. Eight years to do, yet through it all I kept going. It might not sound like much, but there were some pretty hard times in there. In fact, most of it seemed filled with a lot of shit at times. I know during parts of those eight years at was at the lowest of lows, but no matter what I've always known that I would someday finish. It feels really good to be done.

My PDoc is slowly starting to let me fly now. We think we finally have my meds down to the right kinds and dozes. My sleep is still a bit off, but maybe that is just part of me. I get stuck there sometimes trying to figure out which is me and which is the depression or the meds. I think I'm finally starting to realize that they coexist together and are in fact one-in-the-same. I say this, because without the depression and the meds I wouldn't be who I am, I would be somebody else and that would not be me. This is okay. My illnesses bring with the clouds of darkness, but with that comes the rays of sunshine. I wish that others could see the sun through their illnesses. I couldn't always.

I've also gone to see someone about my pain. I will be hopefully starting a rehab type program for people with fibromyalgia. I'm still not certain that is what it is, nor is anyone else for that matter, but all the same, I am positive that it will help. I need my strength back. Just yesterday I was walking with my boys and out of the blow lost my footing and fell. It happens to me more than I care to admit. THe numbness on my left side has also been very strong lately, but I push through. I have to, for me and those around me.

Learning how to just be and live in the moment, albeit it difficult, seems to be suiting me well. I feel like I have less weight on my shoulders. There is no need to look back and no need to look forward...too much is missed along the way. The past has happened and cannot be changed and the future is untold no matter how much planning we try to do.

Part of leaning how to just be has helped me to see that I can't control everything, let alone others. I can't expect anything. Life is chaos with a purpose. Somehow in the end the chaos all comes together to tell a story and that story is all that remains when you are gone. The story can last or simply fade, depending upon how you chose to live within the chaos...it can't be controlled. While the chaos can't be controlled, we can. We can decide how to act and react...it is a series of choices. This power comes from within. It comes from no one else. It can't be found, bought, lost or replaced.

I've spend my life looking for this person I am suppose to be. I've spend years trying to fill some hole that I believed was within me...but there were never any answers, nothing ever seemed to come my way. Now, I realize it's been with me the whole time. It didn't come from God, a book, a toy, family...it just is. I think once I stopped looking and questioning, the answer came. It seemed so obvious. I hope I never feel the need to look again.