Spinning

Tomorrow is Halloween; my favourite time of year. For the most part my yard is done and I am ready to go. The silly wind keeps blowing everything away though. I suppose that it is better than snow.

Things have been going okay for me. I still think that I’ve taken on too much for the year. Perhaps that should be my new year’s resolution for 2008. Although, I have to say that for the most part I’m enjoying the projects that I have taken on. I’ve been doing a good job at keeping a calendar, well for the most part. I’ve accidently double-booked a few things. Plus, I needed to get another course extension. I did really well though, it’s not the end of the world needed extra time. It says nothing about the type of student or person that I am. For once things don’t feeling like they are spinning out of control, just spinning. I often wonder if the merry-go-round will ever stop.

I’m so sorry that I haven’t blogged in a long time. I think that time escaped me. I also have to adjust to the lack of day light. I’ve been paying close attention to make sure that I don’t slip. I’ve started to use my sad’s light again and have been making a point of getting out to visit with friends. Most evenings I am just exhausted. I feel bad that Hubby ends up doing so much work with the boys. I often think that if I did less during the day I would be able to help out more in the evening. I then remind myself that it’s not everyday and it’s not all of the time. The problem is that I like to be busy and am often helping out at the school or doing other projects. I’ve also been struggling a bit since my one pain killer was recalled. I tried a few weeks without it, but had to restart, at least until I can get in to see my GP. Who knew that it would be this hard to make an appointment? I’ve been reading some books on pain management to. As with all books I take what seem relevant and leave the rest.

I’m also doing a lot of work with Mr. Magoo and keeping him on track at home and school. I didn’t realize how much energy that took. I’ve also had to wash myself of the negative feelings towards our school system. It takes up too much energy. I need to focus on getting the best results possible for my little guy. I’ve also being trying to keep track of his moods. It’s not easy when I am also trying to keep track of my own. I really should start us both a mood journal.
Hubby and I seem to be doing well. I suppose we do that...we have our good cycles and a hard times. It’s looking at the whole picture and deciding what is important in life. I know that he is. My whole family is. I think that sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have so much support.

Welcome to all the new readers to my blog and thank you to those of you who continue to come back. I appreciate all of the support.

Schedule Life ~ Finding focus

It’s funny how relationships work. I’ve often asked if love is enough to keep a family together, and I truly believe that it has to be. Hubby and I seem to go full circle and fight/disagree about the same things every couple of months or so, sometimes more often. I’m not talking about small things, I’m talking about major issues:
- Money
- Parenting styles
- Values
- Direction and focus

Somehow we are so different. I think that when it comes to parenting in many ways we compliment each other; however there also needs to be more consistency. Nor do I think it is fair that Hubby always has to be “the bad guy”. Don’t get me wrong, the kids love him and they get along great, I am talking purely about discipline hear. Sure we have other small disagreements about things relating to the kids, what parents’ don’t.

I worry more about the values and direction. Yet I can’t imagine my life without him there, so that has to mean something. I think that it’s hard because I’m not who I was at 18 when we got married, and nor is he. Twelve years changes people, but it’s whether they grow together or part. I fear that we are growing apart. After talking last night, I know that we both struggle with feeling validated in the relationship. I wonder if somehow we’ve just forgotten how to connect. I mean we went for dinner last month, but other then that we don’t really have couple time. When we do, it seems that the focus of conversation is the boys or none at all. We seem to walk around each other and avoid any possible risk of causing an upset. It’s become platonic.

Then there is the other side. The times when we lie in bed together and joke around with the covers, or he tries to touch me with his feet (I hate feet). The stupid jokes that we tell each other that other people might not get, the way that he often knows the right thing to say when I’m having a bad day. I suppose it is about holding on to those.

He’s an amazing husband. He’s always put me first in his life (although I tend to feel guilty about that sometimes), he helps so much with the house work and cooking...And what a great dad. He is there for the boys. He’s involved in their activities and he plays with them.

This is what I need to hold onto. I need to try and put away those silly irrational thoughts that hold me back sometimes and eat away in my mind. Yet it’s so hard sometimes. I mean after last night’s conversation, I know that I’m not the only one who’s questioning the health of our relationship. I know that I my part to play just as he does. Again it comes back to this idea of compromise. You can’t change your values, but you can priorities them.

I also look at how hard it is to truly be authentic. It’s so hard to go from a people pleasing, approval seeking, reward/recognition hungry, individual to someone who suddenly doesn’t care. I want my motivation to come from within. I want to do what makes me happy, while still finding a balance and compromising. I’m not talking about small things, I know that life can’t be, nor should it be, all about me. I’m talking about direction again, focus and defining who I am as a person.

I want to work with kids in some capacity. Ideally through my own company, offering various programmes.

I want to be able to travel with the kids. I want them to experience the world, see new sites.

Maybe I want too much. I need to focus on one thing at a time, break them down into smaller chunks. Much like values, I need to prioritize.

Yet when I look at my core, I can’t help but wonder if I am not the over sensitive, manipulator that has to be the princess all the time. Is that really me? If it is then why do I hate it so much when I act that way? Why am I so aware of my faults and so desperate to change them? I wish that I could be more involved with my kids. I’m so tiered in the evenings; I often feel isolated or guilty that I am not doing more. At the same time I walk with them in the mornings, I see them at school often, I go on field trips...I’m involved in other ways. We also read together and bake together, plus our family makes a point of eating dinner together almost every night.

I wonder if maybe Hubby and I could get back to playing games together at nights. We need to restart the evening family walks. Maybe we need a no TV night in the house. We should redo Friday movie nights, create a weekly family game night...

I need to learn that saying yes to things because I think it will make someone else happy isn’t a good reason to say yes. I should assume that I know Hubby’s thoughts or reactions. I need to step back and ask people if I can get back to them before committing to projects. This is suppose to me my time. We agreed that I could stay home to get healthy, both physically and mentally, yet here I sit, once again over extending myself. Here I am back at the start...I’m may not be working at an office full time, but I assure you I am on the go full time:

1) School Work (one course until the end of October and then two courses for the month of November, then back to one for a few months)
2) Lunch supervision (twice a week)
3) Classroom volunteering (min. once a week)
4) Planning my sessions ~ lesson plans, new material development...
5) Promotion of my company ~ web development, material, networking...
6) School program ~ two classrooms, once a week for 30-45 minutes, plus prep-work and post-work
7) Small contract ~ writing, web development...

Then there is the occasional school field trip, the evening commitments (hockey and dance)...it just seems to keep going on. Somewhere in all of this, I have to fit in aqua-aerobics and my writing. I’ve already given up on the idea of sewing the kids’ costumes for Halloween this year, which I really enjoy, but I can’t be superwomen. I need to learn that too.

Looking at the list:
1) I will hopefully have my degree by late spring or early summer – has an end (Know that the only person who cares about getting onto the honour roll is me)
2) Try not to accept more extra shifts then needed or then I feel up to
3) Pull away from larger group projects and focus only on small classroom projects
4) And 5) I suppose that although I would love this to be a huge focus, reality is that at the moment it can’t be. I lack a lot of the resources (financial, software, electronics, space...) so I will continue to do it only when I have time
6) Something new that meets many of my needs (volunteer work, educational, working with children, mental health related...)
7) Ask for time to think about project, get as much information about expectations as possible, discuss with Hubby, look at current projects and decide from there – do not jump straight into yes.

I also need to outline a very detailed weekly calendar. I need to break it out into time slots and stick with them. Within that schedule I need to leave some down time. I need to try and focus my rest periods before the kids get home from school, rather than after. I also need to come up with activities that I can do with them which may not be that physical and which don’t involve the TV: art work, puzzles...

In theory sounds great, now little by little I have to start putting it into action, knowing that changes won’t happen over night.

Right for Me

Its funny, or maybe strange...I go to a PDoc for help and yet I turn away from her suggestions. I went to the information session on the advance learning skills course at the hospital and after discussion with my family and friends, I've decided that I won't be doing it. I walked away with a funny feeling, almost like I didn't belong there. It seemed like in many ways I was in a higher space than many of them. Instantly I could feel my energy being brought down. I don't want to be in a group for 18 weeks where my energy will continue to go down.

I am a fixer. I want to be able to help everyone. I want to be there for everyone. I wouldn't be able to do this for those in the group. I know that their pain and suffering would become mine. Instantly, even being in that room for only an hour, I could sense the desperation of some of them. I could see the longing and desire for change. I don't have that longing to the same degree. I have so much support around me. I have safe places in which to practice my skills.

There was one women who just had her child taken away. There was another who is still in counselling three times a week, one who just finished a hospital stay, one who just finished a six week program, one who was on the second round of the program, one who sat quietly biting her nails, and another who sat shifting and shaking. Thankfully I am not there. I think I have been close to many of those places; however I have always had the strength to rise up again. As I sat there looking around the room, I felt like a misfit, an outsider. I felt like I was a poser. Almost as though somehow my illness wasn't enough to take the place of someone else who needed(s) it more than me.

Then it also come to the commitment issue. I wasn't sure that I wanted to take 18 weeks away from volunteering. Volunteering brings me energy and peace. I want to be able to go on the school field trips; I want to speak to the mom's group. One life and this is how I want to live mine.

Does it seem wrong that I search for myself without the group environment? Do I feel the vulnerability that a group would bring? I guess the thing is that once I am stable with my meds, as I am now, I am able to cope with life. I am able to try new skills, see things more clearly for what they are. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I learn, I grow and I move on. Is this not what it is all about? I can practice and role play in a group, but it's in real interactive settings that it matters. I've never had much problem outside of the home relating to others.

For me, it is stress management. I have to pace myself and move away from the idea of leaving everything to the end. Scheduling is key. I've started to do that, manage my time. I might be at home instead of work, however balance still needs to come into play. Homework, kids, school volunteering, my teaching, creating my material, small contracts, community volunteering, working lunch, me time...Priorities and demand.