Thursday Thirteen - 13 Self-destructive Thoughts

1. You have to meet other people's needs before you meet your own.
2. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
3. You have to finish everything every day.
4. You should always be busy.
5. Leisure is a luxury.
6. You have to be all things to all people.
7. Sleep is for wimps.
8. A women's work is never done.
9. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
10. If you don't work hard long hours, you won't get ahead.
11. Saying no is not acceptable and therefore not an option.
12. To ask for help is a weakness.
13. Do whatever it takes (to deliver, to get ahead, to succeed).

Here are some examples of more constructive beliefs:

• It's okay, even desirable, to make time for yourself each day.
• Leisure is not a luxury, it's a necessity for good health, energy and work-place productivity.
• There are times when it's okay-even necessary- to say no.
• Taking breaks actually improves work performance.
• It's possible to meet my own needs as well as the needs of others. I can do both.
• Other people can do things as well as I can - sometimes even better (or at least well enough).

For more great ideas refer to The Little Book of Stress Relief by David Posen, MD

Fog

It’s funny how I can go from being such a regular blogger to such an absent blogger. I wonder if like many things in my life it was an addiction that I am now somehow trying to shack off, or perhaps I have traded it in for the world of Webkinz. Yes, that’s right I am addicted to Webinz. I love playing in the arcade. So many of the games remind me of the past. It’s become not only a way to escape, but also a way to avoid life’s responsibilities.

I find it so hard being an adult. So many people rely on you and expect things from you. I fear letting them down. I fear falling at the task…and the list goes on and on.

I’ve been in a bit of a daze lately. Like my life is moving in a fog. I even ran a red light at a very busy intersection. I don’t know it’s like I am spacing out more often than I used to. What is causing these fogs? I’ve been misplacing things and unable to form thoughts without great effort. Today, I even cut my hand with a knife.

Hubby came with me to see my PDoc last week. I think it went well. I felt like I was the target of a few things, but I suppose in many ways I am. I mean Hubby wouldn’t have been there if not for me. I just found some of what he said and how the PDoc interpreted it hard to swallow. I always seem to leave with more questions than answers. I suppose that’s a good thing. It forces me to look within. Although, sometimes I think I spend too much time looking within and not enough time living.

Mr. Magoo has been having his ups and downs. I would almost say more downs than ups lately. Even I am starting to be at a loss on how to handle him and how to get through to him. I know that the most important things is to love him unconditionally and be there for him no matter what.

I also got some sad news. One of my dear friends, who suffers from major depression, just had a baby. The baby was a bit overdue and a good healthy weight, but for whatever reason was born unable to breath on its own. The baby has been in the ICU hooked up to machines. I haven’t heard anything since Friday. I hope that all is well. The family continues to remain in my thoughts and prayers.

My energy has been coming and going. I have been getting some more numbing on my left side and having extreme changes in my digestive system. I wish that I knew what was going on. I think that my GP is starting to think that it is all psychosomatic. How bad is that? If that is the case, how will I ever get any help? My PDoc things there must be something causing it. Talk about irony.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support. I will keep you posted on the DBT program. I have still yet to hear anything.

Spinning the web

Wow, I can’t believe that it has been so long since I last wrote. Spring Break turned out to be very busy. I had so much fun with the boys. We spend last weekend in the mountains for Doodles’ last hockey tournament. It was great. The boys won the street hockey portion and came in second for the overall tournament. I think that the boys were a little disappointed, but they shouldn’t have been. They played so well.

I seem to be getting my energy and motivation back. It’s a nice feeling to start living again. I am trying to take things slow this time. I don’t want to jump full force like I normally do. I think that’s why I usually crash and burn. Slowly I am starting to accept that I am not a superwomen, nor do I have to be. Hubby has noticed an improvement to. I really wish that I could get inside his head. Know what he thinks about my illnesses. Maybe it’s hard for others to see it because it happens mostly in my mind. I mean I’ve gotten better and not reacting to things and functioning, but the thoughts inside my mind are still all over the place.

I mean, in my world things are always a disaster. One mistake for me is totally overblown and becomes like an obsession. If I think of hurting someone, I some how believe that I’ve actually acted on it. I also have a hard time with timelines. I can so easily slip into the past. If some triggers a memory then it comes alive and feels like yesterday. Even dreams. I often wake up and go about my day, but as time passes I am often confused about what happened in reality and what happened in my dream world. I am dramatic. I over exaggerate. I crave attention…negative or positive. In many ways I want to be looked after. I feel so alone and weak that I need validation of any kind. Lately though, I seem to have a clear vision. I am able to see things for what they are. However as I find this clarity, I search for answers to who I am and what it is that my life means to me.

After my one of my last post, I got a comment from anonymous. “So she won you over - just like that. For how long? Bravo to Michael for his comments on p-docs.” I’m still not really sure what is meant by it. My initial reaction was to be angry and put my defenses up. That attitude that she didn’t win me over. I make my own decisions. I am an adult. For how long? Well, until I decide it’s done. However the reality is that she did in many ways “win me over”, but it wasn’t like that. I had my opportunity to talk about the report and how it made me feel. I was able to clarify things that I felt were mistakes or misinterpretations. She then had the opportunity to look back and our session reports and to tale about where her conclusions came from. It was a two-way conversation. I was able to stay calm and actually stand up for myself. This is huge. I wasn’t ready to accept or become the picture of me she’d created and I didn’t even care if I was rejected because of it.

It also forced me to look at past trends and patterns. It gave me the opportunity to analysis what I say, how I say it and who I say it to. My use of humour to some may look like a form of avoidance, when in reality I am just extremely sarcastic. Life is too short to take it so seriously. Those who know me, know that I have a tendency to go a bit overboard with stories, add that dramatic element. The who idea of talking about the past in present terms. My instinct to naturally agree with people so I am liked. The idea of having someone to fix me. I needed her to have the answers. I have always chosen to run from PDocs when I disagreed with what they said or wrote about me. The problem is that for the most part they painted the story that I created for them. I created it through the confusion that lives in my mind. I created it for the desire of being fixed. I told it as though yesterday was today. I told it with exaggeration. I told them what I thought they wanted to hear. I created the picture of what many people think when they hear mental illness. I became the stereotype. I wanted them to see me at my worst. Then…when they report is out and the treatment options are planned, I think they are wrong. It is not me they’ve created. However instead of confronting them or recognizing my role in it, I run. I blame them and talk badly about them. The problem is that is doesn’t get me any further ahead.

My instinct this time was to hold on to the anger and to run away. To blame her for the picture she’d created and for not listening to me, but I can’t run forever. After meeting with my GP, she made me realize that if I let the PDoc, if I give the PDoc a chance and am honest about what is going on, she will be able to help me. The key is being honest. I need to figure out who I am without the mask and talk from the heart. I need to separate my rational and irrational brain and someone create the world in which I live. Knowing that and knowing that she will clarify the errors in the report, I will keep seeing her. I will go in with an open mind and look at forgiveness for past mistakes, recognizing that I too have made many. Her report is a true example of how my own illness came and hit me in the ass. I spun my web and things got way out of control. So, I started to unspin it at our last session with my mom and I will continue to do so at the next session with my Hubby. After that, we start again and see where things end up.