So Tiered…has my body finally given up?

I can’t believe how tiered I am today. It’s like my mind and body have just shut down – no energy to move and no ability to think. It is a very frustrating place to be. I did manage to get some work done this morning. I also had a chance to finally clean up my computer files. I didn’t dare do any school work though. I’m not sure that my brain would have retained any of the information.

Being tiered today also meant that I was very irritable. This eventually grew and I felt the heat inside me starting to rise. I was getting angry and could feel the rage starting, wanting to surface. I yelled at my dogs a lot. I suppose it’s good that it was only them home and not the boys. The one dog just wouldn’t stop barking. I wanted to kill her, literally pick up a knife and stab it into her just to get her to stop. It was a terrible thought and a terrible place in my mind to be. Thankfully I would never act on it. I just lay in my bed thinking it. Wishing that she were gone. Then of course I started to feel guilty. Worthless. What if the thoughts had been about one of my children? What kind of person am I?

The whole, the world would be better off without me. Thinking about the note and what it might say. How does one say good-bye and sorry? I mean are there really any words?

I did yell a bit at poor Mr. Magoo when he got home. I just wasn’t in the mood for his self-pity and whining. How bad is that? I mean they have to put up with me when I’m like that, but I won’t put up with them. Ok, so I do most of the time, just today it fell on the wrong day at the wrong time. Poor Mr. Magoo is going through a bit of a time again. Yesterday he wrote a note saying that he wished he wasn’t here or that he could run away. He was having a bad day and a hard time at school. He didn’t get his work done on time and started worrying that he won’t pass and get into grade three next year. Isn’t that sad? He is such a smart kid. He just needs to believe in himself. He needs to see the magic that we all see.

Oddly enough, the same thing could be said of me. Others believe in me. Now, I just need to believe in myself.

It doesn’t help that physically I keep feeling worse. The tingling still hasn’t stopped. At times I think it might be spreading to my right side. The doctor that I was hoping to see won’t take me back. He needs another refer from my GP. I guess it’s been too long since my last appointment with him. How great is that? I get the refer, then I wait. I’m tiered of always waiting. Last time it took so long that when I finally started seeing specialists the flare had stopped. I mean just once I’d like to be seen when I actually have the symptoms.

Did I ever mention that I had the words psychosomatic symptoms? I mean talking about making someone feel crazy. Why is it if they can’t find an explanation then the symptoms must not be real? Is that how they avoid feeling like failures?

I just started reading Lost in the Mirror. I think I’m going to enjoy it. It looks like a simple read. I also like that it seems to paint a full picture. I can already relate to so much of what has been written and to so many of the word choices.

Sorry is this entry seems a bit all over the place. This is my mind. Scattered…lost…lonely and afraid.

It’s only a grade

I haven’t been sleeping well again. I seem to have gone from one illness to another. I’ve had this terrible tummy bug. I haven’t been able to eat much, and I seem to be living in the bathroom. Although, today it has been mostly better. That being said, I still have this funny pins & needles feeling on the whole left side of my body.

I made the family some home-made chicken noodle soup. It worked out really nicely. I also baked two pies, but something happened and they got very runny when I tried to reheat them. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but I was already in a bad mood. I love to bake. I’m supposed to be good at baking. Whatever, it still tasted good. I guess that’s what counts. Besides I did a great job on the soup and I don’t consider myself to be much of a cook.

I got one of my assignment backs. I got a whole 60%. I guess the positive side is that I passed. The negative side: I got a 60%. This is my lowest mark in on any college or university assignment. I didn’t even agree with a number of the comments. I know that it’s a passing mark and that it’s only one mark on the course, but it is still my lowest. If I don’t get above 80% in this course then I have no chance left of graduating with honours. I mean in the whole big picture who really cares right? No one sees your marks. All people care about is the degree. The problem is that I care. I have worked so hard to get here. I wanted, I want to graduate with honours. It means a lot to me. I suppose just graduating should be enough, but I’ve tried so hard on all my courses. I need to stop and figure out why it means so much to me. What am I trying to prove and who am I trying to prove it too?

I went to see Rascal Flats with a friend this weekend. It was really good. I enjoyed getting out of the house. I also enjoyed spending time with a close friend. I truly am blessed to have so many wonderful friends.

Mr. Magoo had a bit of a tough weekend. You know, testing the limits. I guess that’s what kids do. Perhaps it bothered me more than normal because I’m not feeling well. I just wish that I could figure out what causes the tingling.

My Avon order will be late again. I have to say that I’m not generally impressed with their customer service. The last few orders have been late. Plus, they still haven’t gotten back to me about some returns and exchanges that I asked about in January. How bad is that? It is now costing me out of pocket to replace one of the items because the girl needs it before her daughter’s birthday. I think that as with many things I had a great plans to try and sell Avon and get some extra cash; however as with most of my good intentions it never went any further. Why is that? Why don’t I follow throw? I mean I do with some things, but I don’t with so many others. I think that if I were to be honest, signing up to sell Avon was an excuse for me to shop. A way to buy things at a discount and without Hubby knowing. I mean I would like to try and get some sales, but I can’t be bothered to push hard. It’s also been cold lately and I haven’t felt much like delivering the books. Then you add the fact that the books cost money and I have yet to actually get any new clients. It goes on and on.

I was so excited about my emotional products, but that too has died down. In order to make money, you have to spend money. Problem is that I have no money to spend. I can’t afford to get the products mass produced and no one will buy them as the costs sit now. I just can’t make them any cheaper. If I want to teach, I have to find someone willing to take me on as an employee and offer my courses, which I am slowly starting to do, but it takes time. If I want to run them myself, I need to find someone place to run them. This of courses costs money.

Ug!!!

Boys are doing well. They seem to be okay with me being sick again. I suppose they have to be by now. I just wish sometimes that I could be there more. I want to be. I try to be. I will keep trying… Maybe I need to see my PDoc. I feel like something is off again. Is this me…am I looking for it? I need to learn how to let go. Handle the small stuff. String together the positives and leave the negatives behind.

Wordless Wednesday Fourteen - Blue

Do I look for bad luck or does bad luck find me?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven’t done that in a long time. I think it was a mixture of tears of joy and tears of anger, pain, guilt and regret. A lot of the moods that hit people with BPD are situational. Last night was no exception to that rule.

On Friday the boys kept telling me that the basement floor was wet. I finally went down to have a look. Sure enough the floor was soaked. I felt the walls, looked at the ceiling, nothing. Very odd. With Hubby away I’d have to figure this one out myself. I put some towels down, and as I did this I realized how far this mysterious liquid has spread and how much of it there was. However, with no visible signs of leaking I was completely perplexed. Eventually I saw an upside down can of Ginger Ail pushed between the shelf and the wall. While it seemed like a lot of liquid on the floor, there was just no other explanation for the moisture.

When I picked Hubby up from the airport, I told him about the mysterious wet floor and my conclusion. Without any reason to question me, he just sort of laughed. Last night he decided to bring up the towels to wash them. You see an odd smell of moisture had started to fill the basement. When he came upstairs he told me that there was no way this was caused by one small can of pop. So, he set out to investigate. It turns out that one of our outside basement walls is literally sipping in on us. He also discovered a number of mice within the walls.

This now means that we have to rip up all the carpet, take down the walls and maybe part if the ceiling. In the spring he will have to do what he can to fix the grading. There is no way we can afford to fix the actual foundation problems. Until the spring, Hubby will have to do his best to shovel the snow away from the house. We’ll have to keep an eye on the moisture that comes into the basement.

The boys were devastated to see their Lego sets demolished. They’d spend hours building each one and setting up a whole pirate/dragon world. In less than a second, Hubby had pushed them aside to access the wall. I tried to help them salvage what we could, as Hubby yelled at them to get to bed. He doesn’t understand that to them the Lego is gold. It is their pride and joy.

Hubby spend some time down in the basement alone, telling me that there was nothing I could do to help. When he came upstairs I could see the stress in his eyes and that little bit of sadness, perhaps even regret from moving.

We wouldn’t even be here in this house if it weren’t for me. Not only was I the one that wanted to move, but I was also the one who hunted down and basically picked the house. We bought it knowing that there were problems, but I guess we didn’t fully realize the extend of them. Plus, we bought with the intention of having me work for another year to save some money for repairs and spending. Of course that didn’t happen after I was let go from my job. Hubby and I both agreed that it was a just as easy to stay home early as it would be to try and find a job for a year.

I just hate that everything can seem to go so wrong. I mean the move was meant to help save our marriage. It was to put my health first. It was suppose to be less stress, not more. Hubby has done so much for me and I just take it all for granted. When has he ever put himself first? I wanted so badly for this move to go right. I wanted everything to be perfect. You know that unattainable word. I just thought that maybe this time we could get a break. We’ve had to work so hard to get to were we are.

Last night as I felt guilty for asking him to give up his dreams and move, as I felt sick to my stomach about the cost of the repairs, as I tried to hold onto my blessings. It’s not always easy though. I love my family so much, and yet time and time again I feel like I fail them. I know that it’s not my fault the house is falling apart. I know that Hubby wouldn’t have agreed to move or buy this house if he didn’t want to, but he wouldn’t have even had to think about it if it weren’t for me.

Hubby is home

Wow has it ever been a long week. I can’t believe that it has been a week since I last wrote an entry. I ended up with a bad flu. It was terrible. I spend most of it in bed. Tuesday and Wednesday I could barely move. I was so dizzy and tiered. Thursday was a bit better, but I still had a slight fever and was very tiered. I ended up working lunch. It was actually nice to get out of the house. Friday I did another teachers’ convention. The boys missed school to come and be my helpers. They were really well behaved. Saturday, we went to see Bridge to Terabithia. WOW!!! That was an amazing movie. I highly recommend it to everyone.

I wanted to write a few times, but the thought of looking at a computer screen made me nauseous. It was a week of ups and downs. I was pretty proud of how strong I stayed, for the most part. I mean in the past I would have totally lost it. While I cried a bit more than normal, I was able to keep it together and be a mom. While, as much of a mom as one can be when sick.

Sunday I woke up very excited. Hubby was finally coming home. I missed him so much. It was really hard without him. It’s odd because I found it harder this time. This time, being than when I went away to South Africa with my mom for three weeks. I think it’s because him and I have grown so much this year. Things are calmer. We have a new connection.

I loved seeing Hubby at the airport. He is such an amazing guy. He looked fabulous. I can’t even explain how much I missed him. I just wanted to spend the day holding him. Oddly enough I even enjoyed listening to him snore. Although, that didn’t last long.

He wrote me a letter everyday that he was gone. It started out as a journal of sorts and then became letters to me. It was fun reading about his days. I wish we could have been there with him.

I am in this space right now. I am taking time to figure it all out. Being a somebody means being yourself. I think I’m starting to get that. Now, it is the process of accepting or maybe discovering who it is that I am.

Crying to a stranger

Hubby Come Home…

What a day! I miss Hubby so much. My head cold is worse than yesterday, almost flu like. I am stuffed up, sore throat and achy everywhere. I have no energy. Doodles was still sick this morning so he stayed home. With no energy, I allowed Mr. Magoo to stay home with us. Told him he could have a mental health day. For the most part he was really good. Played quietly and stayed out of my way.

Later in the day we had to go out to get some groceries and stuff. It ended up taking almost 2 hours. It felt like the longest two hours of my life. Then when I got home, I realized that I forgot my library DVDs. Ug! That means another outing tomorrow. Tomorrow…Valentines day alone.

So when my Avon delivery arrived tonight at around nine, I broke down. She asked me how I was doing, and I just started crying. What a fool. It was just everything hit me at once:

• Hubby is away.
• It's freezing outside.
• I am sick.
• My compute has been acting up.
• The redirection for my company email still isn’t working. Very unprofessional, who knows how many emails I’ve missed out on.
• The boys weren’t listening (because they are kids and it’s not like they were even being bad).
• Dogs wouldn't stop barking and fighting (inside or outside).
• My neighbour came over to tell me that she thinks we are bad pet owners and is going to call the SPCA. What a bunch of shit. Just because she spoils her dog like a kid and we don’t. I assure you they get plenty of love. She told me that Chloe is outside more than she is inside…NOT!!! That she has this timer set-up and logs it…okay she’s crazy and obviously can’t read the time. The dogs go out for 1/5 minutes when Hubby leaves and ½ an hour in the morning after I take the boys to school, about an hour around lunch, about ½ an hour when the boys get home from school and maybe an hour at night. She went on to tell me that their dog run is too small and that Chloe needs room to run because of the border collie in her. Um, news flash, she has no border collie.
  I couldn’t get the gate open to take the garbage out.

All silly things I know, but it was enough to set me off. The tears wouldn’t stop. After the Avon lady left, I called my Kindred Spirit. Told her how silly I felt. Thankfully the Avon lady was great about it. She even gave me a hug. My Kindred Spirit listened to me and helped to calm me down. I’m so lucky to have her.

The boys of course came down to see what was wrong. I hate that they have to see me cry so often. I came upstairs and they had a little presentation for me. Doodles gave me his wand, a red feather and some precious gems. The red feather is a symbol of physical strength and mental toughness. Adding a red feather to the wand gives courage to overcome adversity and bring about good fortune. The gems were for serenity, strength, protection, enhancement, love, confidence, creativity, luck, inspiration and concentration. When did my boys get so smart to know what I need?

Then Mr. Magoo held up a poster that he made me with glitter and foam. It says, “I love you”. He told me that the glitter was magic glitter. It would bring a smile to me. I love his creativity and imagination.

Together they then help up a poster they made me awhile ago, “Sorry that you are ill.” I look at that one a lot. I’m so glad that they recognize my depression as an illness. It makes me proud. I am grateful that they are aware it is not their fault.

I was supposed to make cupcakes for Doodles’ class, but feel too weak. I thought about getting up early to make them, I still might, but I know he’ll understand if I don’t. I think that’s half the problem, he likely wouldn’t care if I just gave them pre-made cookies. I on the other hand wouldn’t forgive myself. Somehow I’d feel like a fail. I told him I’d make cupcakes, we have no valentine cards, there is no place for pre-made cookies. Silly, I know. It comes back to being able to let things go. In my mind he’ll love me less or hold some sense of anger. I know it is wrong. Now I just need to believe it.

I’m also stressing about the house. It looks like a bomb went off. I mean our house is never perfection, but this is bad. When ever I go away, I come home to this immaculate house. Hubby and the boys always clean it for me. I worry that I won’t be able to do the same for him. That somehow I will fail and he’ll love me less or see less of me. Again, I know it is wrong. Now I just need to believe it.

How is it that last week I can feel so great, feel like things are finally starting to come together and this week feel so lost? The moods of someone who suffers from BPD are mostly brought on by external stimuli, I guess this is an example of that. This is were the DBT should be able to help. I believe the next intake interview is in April. Part of me hopes I get in, part of me is very afraid. Afraid that I won’t have the time to devote over the summer. Afraid that I will walk away with more problems than I walked in with. Afraid that I will fail at it. I guess I just need to remember that it is important to try. I have to try for me and my family.

My Day

Day three without Hubby and I miss him like crazy. I miss the comfort of falling asleep with his arm around me. I miss the feeling of his warm cuddle in the morning. I miss the conversation, the petty bickering. EVERYTHING!!!

We might have to get rid of our big dog. In fact, I think we should. I’ve thought so for awhile. It’s just so hard. She’s part of our family. We all love her. She’s just way to much work for me. The constant need for attention. Her high energy level. Her barking. Then today she went after Buzz. She’s done it before, but tonight I couldn’t stop it. She wouldn’t stop. Poor Mr. Magoo was scared. He started crying. They were right there fighting in front of him. I finally got her outside and took a look at Buzz. His heart was racing a mile a minute, but he looked ok. Then when we were sitting on the couch, I noticed some blood on his face. He has two cuts – one below his eye and one above.

I think it would be better for Chloe to go somewhere else. Somewhere where she is the only pet and can have all the attention. Someplace where they will run her everyday. It’s just so hard.

I had a good appointment with the PDoc today. I asked if she’d keep me on as her patient. She didn’t say no. Nor did she say yes. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I go to see her again in four weeks to see how things are going. I can tell that I am improving. It’s just a slow process. This probably isn’t the best week to judge either, Hubby is away and I feel sick (bad head cold). We’re going to keep my meds the same for awhile and see how things go. I think that’s a good idea. We discussed some of the side-effects and some other medications that may need to be added to address those. What a cycle. The thing is I can’t think of anything worse than the pain of depression. It takes you away from the world both physically and mentally.

We had a great talk about literature. I’ve said it once before, but I’ll say it again: there is sometimes such a thing as having too much information. It’s important to read other books than ones simply based on your illness. You should try to read other self-help and relationship books. It will help to normalize things. It will take some pressure off self-diagnosis. It also gives you a better mix to choose from. She recommended that I get Mind over Mood and Divorce Busters. She also suggested a few more, but I’ve already forgotten what they were called. Perhaps it will come back to me later.

We also talked about my sleep patterns. She thinks if the medication are helping, even a little, then there is likely very little that a sleep clinic could do. It just seems odd to me. Would we not try to treat it without medication first? I also said that I might go back to the specialist to find out more about my pains. I think it’s just the cold weather, but it seems to be flaring up right now.

So, I’m having email problems. Ug, figures it has to be while Hubby is away. I don’t even want to think about how many emails I am missing out on. I don’t need that to worry about.

The boys are doing well with dad gone. They miss him, but are coping well. They’ve been very well behaved. I’m lucky to have such good kids. I’m lucky to have so much love and support in my life.

Pick a fight and more

I am so sorry that it has been awhile since I posted. I can’t believe how busy one can get: Good busy.

My presentation at the teacher’s convention went well. I only had five people, but they all seemed to really enjoy it. I also found a few resources at the tradeshow that I’d been looking for. The drive with Hubby was great. It was good to spend that time with him before he left. Plus, my boys got to visit with my mom and their cousins.

On the way home we stopped at Ikea. I enjoy going there. I didn’t pick up much, but I got some picture frames. They gave me an idea for a teaching activity.

Friday, we spend as a family. Mostly we were just running around doing errands and things, but it was good to be together. I went to see my GP. It felt like a bit of a waste. I’m not sure that she actually listens to me. I mean she asks the same questions millions of times, and draws her own conclusions even before I’ve started telling her what is wrong. She is doing some blood work to find out about the bruising. She said it could be one of my medications. I guess we wait and see. I also did some breath test. It was a new one for me. You blow into a straw and then drink a drink and the blow into the straw half-an-hour later. Your breath is captured in the little vial. In the evening I was a bit grumpy.

I even tried to pick a fight with Hubby. How stupid can I get? It was his last night at home for a week. I took a deep breath and tried to refocus. I looked within myself and realized why I was doing it. It comes back to my fear of abandonment and rejection. For me it is easier to be mad at him when he goes away, in case for some reason he doesn’t come home, or if he wants to leave me when he comes home, than it is to miss him. Stupid I know. So I told him to be patient with me and what was going on. I was proud of myself. In the past I would never have known what was going on.

I was annoyed at her too because she didn’t seem to listen to the recommendations of the PDoc. I mean I asked about the sleep clinic and she said let’s try to get it under control with drugs first. Um no. What if I can get it under control without drugs? I then asked about the kidney specialized and she was like, I’m not sure it’s really needed. Okay, does she forget that I have a kidney disease? I tried to give her the medical history of my biological mom and she barely listened, let alone write anything down. I know that I need a new doctor, but it’s hard to find a good what that is accepting new patients. I will ask my PDoc. tomorrow if she knows of anyone or can make some type of referral. I am also going to call the rheumatoid arthritis doctor. He really listened and was the one who told me about benign hyper mobility joint syndrome. He was also the one he thought it was likely lupus. Maybe he knows some more information or could refer me to someone else who might. It is all so frustrating.

Yesterday was my first full day without Hubby. It’s funny how quickly I started missing him. I think just knowing he’s so far away makes it hard. It was a pretty slow day, but very productive. I got my office clean. I got the living room clean. I did some work for my company… The boys and I had a good night, we played board games and watched movies. It was fun. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

My company email redirection was cancelled. I guess that because Hubby’s card changed, they didn’t have his new number. It is so frustrating. I have the information on the new redirection, but have no idea how to set it up. I just gave out cards at my session and now no one can even email me. I am going to post something about it on my company website.

On the Go

I don’t have much time. My life right now seems to be on the go. I’m not sure that I’ve had any time to stop. It’s okay though; I seem to be able to handle it.

Increasing the light has made a difference. The new sleeping pill doesn’t seem to help me fall asleep, but it keeps me asleep. Speaking of sleep, I seem to be waking up with these odd golf-ball size bruises on my calves. They look terrible, but don’t seem to hurt.

Mr. Magoo had his first tutoring session and seemed to enjoy it. He also did his behavioural assessment. It was a very long Sunday. I think he was there from 10-2:30. There was an hour break for lunch. I was very please with the women doing the assessment. It will be interesting to see the results.

I was hoping to get more of my stuff done for Thursday’s session, but you can only do so much. It also seemed like everything I touched today had something break. I think it’s from feeling so rushed. It comes back to me being a perfectionist and not learning how to let go.

I hope that everyone is doing well. Thanks for you continued support.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #15 - Non-Fiction Books

Thirteen of the Non-fiction books I've read and enjoyed that have to do with mental health:

1. Why I Jumped by Tina Zahn
   A story of hope and recovery from major depression. Tine takes writes about a moment that changed her life forever: Jumping off a bridge. Very easy to read. Honest and true to the darkness of depression.
   
2. Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields
   Not the best writing style I've ever read, but still a very honest and compelling story. I think many women with PPD could easily relate.
   
3. Let Me Make it Good by Jane Wanklin
   Jane's story of suffering from BPD. I didn't really enjoy it much. I found it jumped around a bit and was hard to follow. That being said it is always helpful to know that we are not alone.
   
4. Get Me Out of Here: My recovery from BPD
   I really liked her story. I cried and I laughed. I am always cautious of the word recovery. I think one can learn to manage their BPD, but to say they have fully recovered seems like a long shot to me. Just as someone with diabetes can learn to manage it, they do not recover from it.
   
5. Angels Crying by Tom Moore
   What out can I say but full of passion. A harsh look at the foster car system in Canada
   
6. My Left Foot by Christ Brown
   A story of triumph and hope.
   
7. Blow by Bruce Porter
   A look at the drug trade.
   
8. Stars Come Out Within by Jean Little
   Her memories of childhood.
   
9. Little School by Cleis Press
   The Little School: Tales of Disappearance and Survival is Alicia Partnoy's moving story of disappearance and imprisonment. It is told in a series of powerful tales that are a testament to the human spirit.
   
10. Somebody Else's Kids, Just Another Kid, Murphy's Boy, The Tiger's Child all by Torey Hayden
    
11. The Lost Boy, The Privilege of Youth, A Man Named Dave all by Dave Pelzer
    
12. A Child Called "It" by Dave Pelzer
    No child should have to grow up with so much pain.
    
13. One Child by Torey Hayden
    I have read this book over and over again. Each time I am touched by the love and commitment made by one teacher who cares. I cry and I laugh as challenges are overcome and as new ones emerge.
    

If you are a parent who suffers from a mental illness and would like to be involved in a larger writing project, I would love to hear from you. Send me an email detailing your story and attach a few writing sample.