Life's Labels

I'm not sure why we are so afraid of labels. Right from birth we are categorized: thriving, failure to thrive, jaundice... and then it continues: academic, academically challenged, prodigy... and then as we get older the labels change: nerd, geek, populars, borders... and they never stop.

Yet, the minute we are diagnosed with any type of mental illnesses, we shy away from it. Why? I looked up the term mental illness and came up with the following definitions:

• "the term that refers collectively to all mental disorders. Mental disorders are health conditions that are characterized by alterations in thinking, mood or behaviour (or some combination thereof) associated with distress and/or impaired functioning"
  
• "A mental illness is a disorder of the brain that results in a disruption in a person's thinking, feeling, moods, and ability to relate to others. Mental illness is distinct from the legal concept of insanity."
  
• "Mental illness refers collectively to all diagnosable mental health problems that become “clinical,” that is where a degree of professional intervention and treatment is required."
  
• "A general term referring to psychological, emotional, or behavioural disorders as well to the view that these disorders are diseases of the mind."

None of them imply that there is anything to be afraid of or embarrassed about. It is a disease, an illness. Nothing of our own doing. Yet as with many people who are diagnosed with an illness, we go through the grief-cycle:

1. a moment of shock: no this can't be happening, not me.
   Which is strange to me. I mean I knew that something was wrong with me. Most people do. So why do we seem so surprised when someone confirms our own suspicions.
   I don't recall if I had a period of shock. I'm sure that I must of. However, I'd heard the term depression so many times throughout my life that I wasn't surprised. I think I was shocked when they through out words like bi-polar and borderline personality disorder. I didn't know much about them. I had my own stereotypical, societal visions of what they meant. Then as I read the descriptions for BPD, I was shocked at how accurate it was. I was shocked that I had gone through life and no one noticed or said a thing.
   
2. a stage of denial: they must be wrong. Everyone experiences what I go through. I am healthy. Everything is okay.
   Again, true enough. Most so-called healthy people do go through similar experiences as those with mental illnesses, but it is the degree and the frequency in which these experience occur that separate us.
   Denial was a big one for me. It took me hearing the diagnosis three times before I even really wanted to listen to it. The first time, I brushed it off completely. The second time I went to talk to my GP and did a bit of my own research, the third time knew they must be right. That being said, I am the worst offender for self medicating. When things are going well, I have weaned myself off my meds, just to see if I can make it on my own, just to see if I am finally healthy. But you know what I need my meds. Without them I crash and burn. And I fall hard. My medications keep me stable. Some people are lucky enough to go off of them and go through periods of remission for years; others, like me, will need to be on medication forever.
   
3. Anger: why did this happen to me? Why not someone else? What did I do to deserve it? I Hate the world. I hate myself. I hate everyone and everything.
   I had anger. Anger at society more than anything. I hated the stereotypes, I hated the stigma. But I was angry at god. It didn't seem fair. I'm a good person, why me? Why not someone else. How mean is that? Why should it be anyone at all? But you know what, I've said it before. My illnesses are what make me who I am. I wouldn't want it any other way. People have all kinds of gifts that come from strange places, it's what makes us all unique.
   
4. Then we bargain, we bargain with ourselves and we bargain with god. If I change this, maybe it will go away. If I keep it a secret maybe it doesn't really exist at all.
   I'm not much of a bargainers. I've always been more of a manipulator. My way or no way at all. So it became very apparent to me that bargaining would just be a waste of my energy and time. I would cheat my way out of it. I think this is where some of the self medicating comes it. If I do well for three months, six months, nine months, a year...whatever the time frame I've set, that I will be healthy and I can come off my meds. Now that I know that I have to be on meds forever, I will decrease them at times...but I watch my signs very closely and I go back up when I need to. Yet, I don;t do any of that without consulting my doctor.
   
5. But we can no longer avoid reality and we grieve. We grieve the lose of our old self, we hide away, we withdraw, we sleep, we cry...we suffer, usually alone...
   It is here that I find many people get stuck. If is here, at this stage, that the most damage can be done. It is the hardest phase to get past. For after we leave this stage, suddenly we are longer who we were before. We leave this stage with a label. We leave this stage mentally ill.
   Grief...is that not what depression is all about. Sleeping, avoidance, withdrawal...it certainly took me awhile to get passed this. I put my masks on for each situation and went about my life. It was my secret and mine alone.
   
6. Acceptance is key to recovery. You need to accept it so you can start on the road to recovery. Close friends and family need to accept it so you can develop a strong support system.
   As you can see, I've certainly accepted my illnesses. What I have not accepted is the label. The label brings stigma...stigma based on fear and misunderstanding. I don't have a mental illness...I have an illness...I have a disease...I am sick.

I'm not saying that you have to broadcast it to the world. I'm not even saying that you have to share with many people, but you do have to share. You need to talk about it. Work through your emotions, get help when you need help and have someone to call on when you simply need a break.

Today, I am taking a break. I am going to a movie with a friend. These breaks are important for any parent to take. A chance to get away and do things on our own. Things that we enjoy without our kids. After the break, we return home refreshed and ready for whatever adventures await.