Halloween Freak

Almost everyone has a favourite holiday. I would say for most people it is likely the Christmas Season. Until I had my own boys, I never really understood that. There was little magic in Christmas for me. It wasn’t that my family didn’t make a big deal about it; it wasn’t there were no presents; it wasn’t that we did enjoy family time; it just always felt empty and wrong. Maybe it was the time of year, causing my depression to worsen: no little, school stress is increasing, stuck indoors…who know. But I don’t remember ever looking forward to Christmas as a child.

My favourite holiday is by far Halloween. I don’t even think I can begin to describe my obsession with it. As soon as Halloween is done, I start to plan my yard for the next year. I am always on the look out for good deals. And costumes, we have to start sewing those in September to ensure they are ready in time.

I think part of my fascination with Halloween is the creativity. The imagination it takes to decorate, come up with costumes, tell scary stories and cook interesting foods. I also love all the games.

However, I think it’s much deeper than that. Halloween is one time of year when it is okay to be someone else. You can truly be anything or anyone you want. It is the one time of year where no one seems out of place.

For me, most days felt like Halloween. A mask for all occasions, every group of friends, every extra-curricular activity and sometimes even at home. I became who I thought they wanted me to become. I looked for something among them or within them that felt right to me.

Inside me I felt dead, emotionless, beyond even the point of sadness. I was a marionette and everyone else controlled my strings; although, I am sure few of them were even aware of that.

I think I was about 13 when I though ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if this year for Halloween I dressed up as myself – no masks.’ What would that look like? I know that I would wear all black to blend in with the darkness of the night: my invisibly. I would need weights around my angle: being trapped. I would need to somehow cover my face: void myself of emotion. I would have to use a crutch: my vulnerability. I wanted to hear what people would guess. I wanted to see their faces when I told them it was no costume at all. I can already hear their questions: “what do you mean?” or “of course it’s a costume”. But then I figured what would be the point. To them it would only be a game. To me it was my life.

Why am I writing about Halloween now you might ask? I just got my Avon order and being the Halloween freak that I am ordered: two Halloween pens, two Halloween magnet, and two Halloween mugs. Plus, one of my best friends, my kindred spirit, bought me a Halloween pumpkin windsock and Halloween Greetings wall-hanging thing. Besides, it’s never too early to think about Halloween. And, there are only 61 days left.