Early Years ~ Another Nine Months

The Early Years: Part Three
As with the last time, I got pregnant very quickly. So by the time my oldest was six months old, I was pregnant with baby number two. While physically pregnancy didn't agree with me for either pregnancy, mentally it did wonders (well, until then last trimester).

Life for me seemed to be going well. I still didn't enjoy being at home alone much. I've always been a very busy person, involved in multiple activities. So, I signed up for some distance learning courses. Why not get a diploma? I loved it. I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed feeling intellectual. I enjoyed the escape. I also signed up to sell Discovery Toys. Later that became just another huge disaster...that is also another story. So my depression was in check, or what I like to call remission. I am motivated, sleeping well (even with the night time feedings and the huge belly), eating well, generally good energy level (I mean I do have a young baby at home remember), fairly stable happy spirits...

However, my BPD, not so much. As I sat at home I worried about my parenting skills. I felt like a failure as I wife. I felt guilty if the dinner wasn’t; yet I didn't cook it. I felt guilty if the house wasn't clean, yet I didn't clean it. I felt guilty if the laundry wasn't done; yet I didn't do it. Taking care of a baby took more energy than I thought. Feeding, changing, entertaining. Plus, Jon expected those other things out of me. He made me feel like it wasn't an option not to do them. So in my way, I rebelled by not doing them. Everything on my own terms. That's the way I lived my life. So we fought. So I felt like a failure. So I felt guilty.

Typical me, sabotaging myself. Push him away when all I wanted to do was pull him in. Then I worried, I worried that somewhere between home and work he'd fall out of love with me. When he didn't answer my calls at work, I thought he was avoiding me.

I look for others to fill the attention I needed that I didn't think I was getting. I flirted with other guys. I connected mentally and emotionally with a close male friend. I started to call my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to know if he still missed me. I wanted to feel special again. I wanted to make my husband jealous.

But as the second pregnancy went on, my focused changed. Suddenly I got more tiered and as the third trimester set in, so did my depression. I worried constantly about the baby’s health. My oldest suddenly seemed too demanding. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to die.

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