My Book

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've published my first book. It is a teen novel - great read.

Where to begin

Things have been very up and down for me the past six month. The long winter isn't helping at all. I don't mind the snow, but the lack if sun is crazy. It's a good think I have my SADS lamp.

I've been seeing my PDoc more frequently, because we have been changing my medication dosage a bit. I think we finally have it working. Just in time to lower it for the summer months - ug.

I am slowly starting to learn that it is important to live in the moment. I've been doing a fair bit of reading in Mindfulness. I think the biggest message is learning to live with yourself and the realization that you can't always change things. You have to accept and sometimes embrace them for what they are. I'm also starting to realize that there is no pleasing everyone and that trying to fix others is not only draining, but also counterproductive for their healing process.

I've taken to crafting in a big way. I find it's a very creative outlet and it keeps my mind busy. I've been focusing on cards and jewelry mostly, but have just started making scarfs, magnets and hair clips. What I will do with it remains mystery. I have brought it to a couple tradeshows with my tea stuff, but it gets lost amongst my other inventory. I think part of my lack of promotion comes once again from my fear of not only failure, but also success.

I'm hoping to sell some of my stock from my tea company and focus mostly on the teas themselves. I know that paying off the date will be a big relief to hubby. I still feel guilty that I don't contribute more financial. I've also noticed that was once our money is now his money. I've been having a difficult time accepting that.

As time goes on, I am starting to realize that I will likely never work full time again and that my chances of being a successful business women is passing. I've found myself envying Hubby a bit as his career soars ahead. I was once the one who travelled and worked late, watching the pendulum switch hasn't been easy.

However, if I was to really stop and think about my life, I have a great deal of success in other ways. I've also got a great support system in place and a wonderful group of new friends at Starbucks, which has in many ways become my office.

I am upgrading a few courses. I'd like to apply for my Masters, but I worry about spending heaps of money to no avail. I think I should perhaps take a break from school and actually focus my efforts on one key area of interest. The question then becomes what?

The boys are doing well. Doodles is all about hockey. I often wish that Hubby wouldn't allow a 13 year old to dictate out schedule, but it is what it is. I also think the amount of money that we spend on the sport is outrages, but again, it is what it is. Doodles loves the sport. He seems to be enjoying JR. high, and I am enjoying watching him become a true teenager.

Mr. Magoo is doing well. He seems to have taken an interest in art again. I am even looking into lessons, just to help him develop the basic skills. He's been a great help with my teaching and loves to help me with my various crafts. However, sometimes I wish he would just give me my space.

I have bought a couple of workbooks and as I go through each activity, I will blog about my progress. My hope is to get back into the habit of blogging. I miss it. It was also a wonderful way to work through life's little bumps.

Coming or Going

It's odd because normally when my depression hits I want to write, I need to write. This time, however, I seem to be at a lose for words. They all play out in my mind, but I go blank when it comes to write them down. I know that I am not in a good space right now. I will be looking for a counselor again. As my FIL fights his cancer, I battle the demons in my mind...BPD is sneaking its way into my life. I can hear it and feel it. I am so tired and I have no idea how to deal with everything that is going on. I'm falling-fast. My Hubby needs me to be a rock and I start to fall apart; typical me.

I know that I am being selfish and that my thoughts are misplaced, but the energy to shut them up is impossible. I don't want to shut Hubby out, but at the same time I don't want him to see how evil and selfish my thoughts are. I know that they are wrong and I need to sort them out before we have a truly in depth conversation. In the same token he isn't used to me being quite. I try to explain and everything comes out wrong or he tries to interrupt me when I just need him to listen. I start by telling him that I am being irrational and I know, but he's asked me to explain my world and I will try if he just listens. It of course always back fires. Too many tears lately. Tears alone can be draining. For the first time in years I've wondered what it would be like to just run...escape everything...Hubby and kids included. I think I feel alone and I fear my own thoughts. In some strange way running seems safer than staying.

BPD - fear of rejection and abandonment - two issues that are huge for me right now. I think issues that are huge for anyone dealing with death, but harder someone who struggles with them on a daily basis. I tried to stand-up for my Hubby and what he thought he wanted. In the end it led to me being the scapegoat. I was left to hang and dry. I was in my mind rejected and abandoned. Add to that the fact that Hubby has shut me out even more, who knew that was possible, and it gets worse. Small things that people are saying and my mind twists and turns them into all types of monsters. I need to push them aside and be there for my Hubby. I need to be strong for him. I just wish that it wasn't such a battle. I guess that he must struggle with his own battles daily as he puts up with me and my zany ideas.

The fight for my FIL and the battle for me will only continue to get worse, but perhaps good thing will still emerge. This week was one small example: Hubby had his brother and sister here; together for the first time in almost 10 years.