Happy Halloween - Saying Goodbye to Demons

My house looks like a bomb went off, and I don't even care. I'm hunger. I'm not hungry. I sleep during the day and find myself unable to sleep at night. The darkness seems empty and lonely - for some reason it haunts me.

I am looking for meaning in everything I see, hear or read.

I was watching Eastwick and they were buring coffins. It was a symbol of letting go of the demons from their past that symbolized some sort of burden. A chance to let go of last year's baggage and start fresh. It got me thinking. What burdens or demons are holding me back?

I also watched Being Erica and they said something about our secrets being the invisible burdens
we carry and the trick is knowing which ones need to be told and which need to remain hidden.

Life is always walking on a fine line - a line bewteen fact and fiction, truths and lies, yesterday and tomorrow, sucess and failure,life and death... Many people walk through life unaware of this lines, me I am too aware of them. Trying to maintain balance, scared of losing my footing along the way.

Chasing my Tail

Thanks for the suggestion of trying sunglasses while I am using the SADS lamp. It seems to be helping somewhat.

I totally agree that the moments from the past create or shape those of today and tomorrow. I guess that I just sometimes wonder what it would be like if I took different forks in the road. Then I stop to ask myself what is so bad that I would even want to change things.

I guess it's just that world I've create in my mind. I think that I want to go back to see things from a new angle. I've grown so much, and yet in other ways I still feel like this volunerable child. I am still trying so hard to figure out who I am and what I want to do.

I mean, don't get me wrong I love my new company. I was hoping for instant success - ha ha ha. Like most things I jumped in way to quickly. Finding all the suppliers and dealing with a number of them isn't all that I thought it would be. I also had visions of people being really excited about this new home party option, and so far, well not so much. However, I haven't done much in the way of adertising. With my surgery coming up in December I didn't want to start booking parties and having to turn them down. Look, like so many other things I've already found an excuse. It sure doesn't take me very long does it. Who am I trying to fool. I don't know enough about book keeping to run my own business. My forcasting sheets are the shit. I want some help, but have no idea where to go. Every time I try to mention anything about money Hubby seems to blank out or squirm. Not that I blame him. Two months in and I've already almost doubled my budget. What am I doing and who am I kidding.

I also still love working with kids and on the emotional health things. That is my passion. Why do I run from it?

It all comes down to trying to find my place. I know what it is, but I can't stop it. I can't change the patterns. Even CBT doesn't wanna work. WHAT am I doing here? Why do I run in circles like this?

I hate October. It's such a downer time for me. This year I'm not even in the mood for decorating my yard. Those who know me, know that is a huge bad sign. I see it, but I do nothing but try to sleep it away.

Groundhog Day - Do Over

I've often wondered what it would be like to go back and change the past - undo certain things and change regrets. Maybe even have a day to just do it all and have none of it matter. However, I know that will all of that comes a price. Everything has a consequence. Every action has a reaction - no matter the road we choose there will be consequences because no matter how hard we try to run, there they are. The hardest is no knowing which of the consequences you want or can live with.

This is my problem - I live in a continual loop. I am looking two steps forward and three steps behind. I have been trying so hard to live in the hear and now, but it scares me. I wonder though which scares me more - yesterday, today or tomorrow...one quickly blends into the other.

The masks, the games...it all tries to creep back into my life. I am so tired. Everything seems to be getting to me right now. I even cry at comedies right now. UG!!!

What am I doing? Who am I doing it for? Is this my life or a dream? UG!!!

Okay, to do list:
Get back to the gym.
Watch what I eat.

Take things as they come and go from there. There are no do-overs. Life isn't about going backwards. Changing regrets would change other things. I have to refind my focus. I have to stay on track. UG!!!

Thank you to overone who keeps leaving me comments. I enjoy reading them. I'm sorry that I don't answer on them. I do have a SADS lamp, and I try to use it every day. I have to admit though I find it hard. I tend to get bad headaches from it.

Somethimes I think that we are all just wearing masks. It is how the we are wired to work. The difference is that some of us are more aware of it than others.