Why am I

so pathetic? Why can't I sleep at night? What am I so afraid of? Is it of the dreams? Is it of dying in my sleep? What??? Why do I need to sleep during the day or just before someone is coming home?

Why am I still seeing, reading, and hearing messages in everything? What is it that I am missing or perhaps more than that, what is it that I am looking for? I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Picking fights, leaving things for the last minute...the shadow is back. I am living in a box. Chocking myself, wanting, needing air. As hard as I scream let me out, no one hears. Sometimes I wonder if even I hear it.

Why this month? November - what a month. My baby would have been 17 years old sometime this month. I met the baby's daddy in November. I had a misscarge. I guess I was lucky. I mean I was only 14 years old when I got pregenant. Story of my life - looking for someone to want me; someone to love me. Joke was on me I suppose. I fell for it all. Then when I was date-rapped only a month and a bit after the miscarriage, I blamed myself. I deserved the ponishment. A miscarriage and date-rap in the same year. Two of the hardest lifetime events I went through and no one knew. But why bring it all up now. Why after so many years?

The push, pull game has started. The fear of failure and the fear of success. The fighting with Hubby. The mask - GO AWAY BPD!!! I was doing fine without you.

Is it because things are going so well. Am I playing the self-sabatoge game? Things go well, so knock them off the tracks before they run off course on their own?

I'm stronger now. I can get through this. I will. I have too.

Things are going okay right now. I mean...as October moves away, things are slowly getting better. I'm not sure why Oct. is such a bad month - perhaps now it is a self-fulfiled prophacy.
I still feel very lost and often find myself living outside of my body and looking in on things. I am also looking for validation again and a sense of belonging. At least I am aware of what is going on and I am still able to talk my way through everything.

I talked to my PDoc. and she advices not to use sunglasses with the lap. It won't work then. We also lowered my one medication. I will hopefully go back on my pain medication. The weight gain has proved to be a challenge for me these past few months. I'm having a hard time accepting it. My mom has always harped on the need to be thin. It's stuck all these years. She's very quick to point out weight gain, achne... I know she means well, but for someone like myself who seeks constent approval and acceptence it adds another pressure.

Sleep is still a bit of a struggle. I am constently tired and yet am not tired at all. It's hard to explain. Food has also become a struggle for me. I look to it for comfort. As a teenager I abused food - like cutting it was something that I could control in my life. Now, I'm not sure that it is about control, but rather a huge lack of. I am abusing it again, but this time I am eating too much or at odd times. Before I was belimic. Is gourging my new drug of choice?

I look at my life and I ask how I got here. I look at the many forks along the way and I question if I went the right directions. Yet, what else could I ask for?

Happy Halloween - Saying Goodbye to Demons

My house looks like a bomb went off, and I don't even care. I'm hunger. I'm not hungry. I sleep during the day and find myself unable to sleep at night. The darkness seems empty and lonely - for some reason it haunts me.

I am looking for meaning in everything I see, hear or read.

I was watching Eastwick and they were buring coffins. It was a symbol of letting go of the demons from their past that symbolized some sort of burden. A chance to let go of last year's baggage and start fresh. It got me thinking. What burdens or demons are holding me back?

I also watched Being Erica and they said something about our secrets being the invisible burdens
we carry and the trick is knowing which ones need to be told and which need to remain hidden.

Life is always walking on a fine line - a line bewteen fact and fiction, truths and lies, yesterday and tomorrow, sucess and failure,life and death... Many people walk through life unaware of this lines, me I am too aware of them. Trying to maintain balance, scared of losing my footing along the way.