Love, support, and time

After nine years I am finally done my degree. What a long process. Oddly enough I feel a weight off my shoulders, but I also feel a lose. It gave me a purpose. It became a part of me. I guess like so many other things, I made being a student part of my identity. I am slowly learning to separate what I do from who I am.

My PDoc, told me that I might want to think about applying for disability. I'm not sure that Hubby is very keen on the idea. That silly word potential always pops up. Just like when I thought about working at the tea shop, hubby felt that I was to educated to do that. I guess that he wonders what the point of finishing my degree was if I'm not going to work in the field. The thing is I started the degree with the intent to work, but then life went another direction. Besides, there is no such thing as too much knowledge.

I recently had a garage sale and am now selling some stuff on Kijiji. I'm donating half the money to Canadian Mental Health - some items, I'm donating all of it. I've also started making bookmarks to sell for $8, with $5 going to Canadian Mental Health.

I just met this fabulous woman. She goes around and buys items to give to those in need. She selects families who are trying to survive and families who often have to make the choice of feeding themselves or their children. She bought a few things off of me and then I had her go through what I still have in my garage. I was able to donate some clothing, bottles, sippy cups, blankets and books. She had a hard time taking it. It was very sweet; she really wanted to pay me. I only wish that she would have taken more.

Listening to her talk, brought back so many memories. Memories that I no longer haunt me, but that are simply apart of my life's path. I felt for some of her families. I was one of the lucky ones whose life drastically turned a corner. I truly believe that Hubby is the biggest reason for my change in direction. He stood by, he loved (loves) me unconditionally.

When I was 14, I was in love. I ended up losing my virginity to this guy. We were supposed to be together forever. Anyway, we ended up breaking up and a month later I found out I was pregnant. Shortly after that I silently went through my first miscarriage, alone. No one needed to know. Lately I think about it more. I think it started when I heard the song, "he would be 16".

After the miscarriage, I went over to a guys house, with a friend. She went to the basement with one of the boys, and I somehow ended up in his bedroom. I think he wanted to play some song for me, or show me something. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. I do know that I said NO and that I was pushing him off me. I remember yelling at my friend that it was time to go, as I tried to run and pull up my pants at the same time. I didn't tell her what happened; I don't think I had to. I didn't tell anyone until years later. Part of me felt like I deserved it for all the bad things I'd done. I was being punished. Now, I guessed if maybe I wasn't just being tested.

Anyway, I wish that I could have given this woman more. I had a great talk with her. She said that she may call me to teach some of my courses on manners, emotions, social skills. I hope that she does. Mental Health is so important.

I am generally doing well. I am certainly no longer slipping, but I'm not that high over the line just yet. I'm getting there though. My focus right now is on Mr.Magoo. How can I help him? He too is lost. Through love, support, and time he and I can both be found.

Sometimes I Just Want to Yell - Be Quite

to the voices in my head. I hate that I over think things and that I automatically go to the negative thoughts.

Last February I lost a family friend to ovarian cancer. She was told at the doctor's that she had a cyst on her ovary and that there was nothing to worry about. Anyway, it turned out to be cancer and within a matter of months she passed away.

Well, on Friday I was told by the same doctor that I have a cyst on my ovary and that there is nothing to worry about. I was also told that my uterus is slightly high and enlarged. Now normally I would think Fibroids, but because of what happened last year, my mind can't help but think cancer. My rational mind is telling me to stop worrying, it will get me know where, but I can't seem to stop the worrying voice.

I've also be trying to get a hold of someone. I've left a few messages and have yet to get a return call. Now it could be any reason. I of course assume the worst - she's mad at me, I've done something wrong...I know that's not likely the case. Very few adults play the silent-treatment game or chose not to talk things out. Ug.

It gets so tiring always trying to think rationally.

Cloudy Days

Why can't I seem to lift the fog that I feel like I've been living in. Running on a tredmill that is taking me now where, asking questions that have no answers. It seems like I am looking for disagreements and finding faults in everything. It's as though I am sabotaging my own happiness.

Yet on the other hand, I'm wondering if as I find out my true self, I am losing sight of where I used to fit into the picture or more importantly how I fit in to the picture now.